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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
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pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of fun days out in essex and other funny jokes |
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Dirty Joke
Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the final couple were newlyweds. Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint. 'Can of PAINT!' exclaimed the minister. 'Yeah, ' said the newlywed man. 'She dropped the can, and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. lust took over. ' The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church. 'That's okay, ' said the man. 'We're not welcome in Home Depot either. '
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Bumper Stickers - 2
Caution -- Driver Legally Blonde
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Various animal Joke
What did one slug say to another who had hit him and rushed off? I'll get you next slime!
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Blind Joke
What is the difference between a blind man and a sailor in prison? One can't see to go, the other can't go to sea.
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Joke for Halloween
01. I can see your point, but you're still full of crap. 02. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronouce. 03. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 04. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. 05. Ahh. . . I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again. 06. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. 07. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 08. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. 09. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?10. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be. . . ?11. This isn't and office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. 12. If I throw a stick, will you leave?13. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 14. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?15. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done. And here's a bonus funny from: Siglets. comSometimes . . . when you cry . . . no one sees your tears . . . Sometimes. . . when you are worried. . . . no one sees your pain. . . Sometimes . . . when you are happy . . . no one sees your smile . . . But fart just one time. . .
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Computer Joke
Customer: 'My disk is stuck in my disk drive. Clicking eject doesn't work. ' Tech Support: 'Ok, turn the power to your Mac off, hold down the mouse clicker, and power the Mac back up. ' Customer: 'Look, I don't have three hands!'
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Top 100 Joke
Women truly are better than men. Otherwise, they'd be intolerable. - Ed AbbeyIn everything but brains and brawn, women are vastly superior to men. - Ed AbbeyGirls, like flowers, bloom but once. But once is enough. - Edward AbbeyWomen who love only women may have a good point. - Edward AbbeyWomen: We cannot love them all. But we must try. - Edward AbbeyThe feminists have a legitimate grievance. But so does everyone else. - Edward AbbeyHer figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak. - Woody AllenWoman: A creature whom a man can't get along with or without. Animal usually living in the vicinity of man, and having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication. - Ambrose BierceWoman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. - DumasWomen! You can't live with them, you can't do most positions without them. - Dan Fielding (from the 'Night Court' television series)The great question. . . Which I have not been able to answer. . . is, 'What does a woman want?' - FreudWomen are one of the Almighty's enigmas to prove to men that He knows more than they do. - Ellen GlasglowNature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely given them little. - Dr. JohnsonBeing a woman is of special interest to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women it is simply a good excuse not to play football. - Fran LebowitzIt's so hard for women, even nice women, to realize that their bodies are not irresistible. - Philip Marlowe 'The Big Sleep' (1939) a novel by Raymond ChandlerOnly one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow women. - Groucho MarxMen always want to please women, but these last 15 years, women have been hard to please. If you want to resist the feminist movement, the simple way to do it is to give them what they want and they'll defeat themselves. Today, you've got endless women in their 20s and 30s who don't know if they want to be a mother, have lunch, or be secretary of state. - actor Jack NicholsonThere are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz 380L Convertible. - P. J. O'RourkeDid you know that woman speaks eighteen languages? . . . And can't say 'no' in any of them. - Dorothy ParkerWomen: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash. - Emo PhillipsA woman is like a dresser; some man always goin' through her drawers. - Blind Lemon PledgeFeminism: A socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians. - Pat RobertsonIf someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is only fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in '1966
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Dirty Joke
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, 'Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. 'God Almighty!' shouted Mary, and the teacher said, 'Very good, ' and Mary fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, 'Who is our Lord and Savior, ' but Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue, and stuck her again. 'Jesus Christ!' shouted Mary, and the teacher said, 'Very good, ' and Mary fell back asleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. 'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one m ore time, I'll break it in half!'
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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