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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
website. Some jokes however were severely tortured in an effort to make
them funny. |
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of fun days out in england and other funny jokes |
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Funny Famous Joke
AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again. DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert. FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster. FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots. FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him. GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right. HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word. IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid. INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say. OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings. PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own. PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it. SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours. STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it. TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies. TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises. VERBAL: Able to whine in words. WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.
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Telephone Joke
Who was that on the phone, Fred? Fred: No one important. Just some man who said it was long distance from Australia, so I told him I knew that already and put the phone down !
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Accountant Joke
What's an accountant's idea of trashing his hotel room? Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.
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Insect Joke
What do bees chew ? Bumble gum !
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Bible Joke
A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. 'A priest. Somebody get me a priest!' the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind. 'A PRIEST, PLEASE!' the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age. 'Mr. Policeman, ' says the man, 'I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man. ' The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice: 'Under the B, 4. Under the I, 19. Under the N, 38. Under the G, 54. Under th e O, 72. . . '
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Lawyer Joke
A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked, 'Give it to me straight. How long have I got?' The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night. The man then said, 'Call for my lawyer. ' When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied 'Jesus died with a thief on either side. I just thought I'd check out the same way. '
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Law Enforcement Joke
Two guys were walking along a road in Georgia when they were struck by a police car driven by a drunken cop. One guy was thrown through the windshield and his buddy was knocked down an embankment. The first guy was charged with breaking and entering and the second with leaving the scene of an accident.
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Ethnic Joke - 2
Q: Why do Polish names end in 'ski' ? A: Because they can't spell tobbagan.
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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