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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of fun day ideas and other funny jokes |
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Friendship Joke
While making love to his wife, Carl discovered he couldn't enjoy it. Though they had been married only a few years, he relflectly unhappily, their love-making had become infrequent and bland. Then quite suddenly, alarmed, he said: 'What happened, did I hurt you ?' 'Why no, not at all, ' said his surprised wife. 'Whatever made you ask that ?' 'Well, no reason actually, ' the bored husband replied with a sigh, 'It's just that for a moment there, I thought you actully moved. '
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Computer Joke
IMPORTANT! READ THIS BEFORE USING YOUR NEW DEVICE Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bone-head consumer maneuvers. Which is why we ask you to: PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON 'FAST FORWARD', THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?!? We're sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're always getting back 'defective' merchandise where it turns out that the consumer inadvertently bathed the device in acid for six days. So, in writing these instructions, we naturally tend to assume that your skull is filled with dead insects, but we mean nothing by it. OK? Now let's talk about: 1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE The device is encased in foam to protect it from the Shipping People, who like nothing more than to jab spears into outgoing boxes. PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR IDA MAE BARKER'S ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE THINKS MAYBE IT WAS WHILE SHE WAS PACKING DEVICES. Ida Mae really wants that ring back because it is her only proof of engagement, and her fiancee, Stuart, is now seriously considering backing out on the whole thing in as much as he had consumed most of a bottle of Jim Beam in Quality Control when he decided to pop the question. It is not without irony that Ida Mae's last name is 'Barker',if you get our drift. WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX OR ANY OF THE PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE PEANUTS. If you attempt to return the device to the store, and you are missing one single pea-nut, the store personnel will laugh in the chilling manner exhibited by Joseph Stalin just after he enslaved Eastern Europe. Besides the device, the box should also contain: * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say 'WARNING' * A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns. YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable. IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your spouse and say 'Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's why. ' WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret. And not Pete. 2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE The plug on this device represents the latest thinking of the electrical industry's Plug Mutation Group, which, in a continuing effort to prevent consumers from causing hazardous electrical current to flow through their appliances, developed the Three-Pronged Plug, then the Plug where One Prong is Bigger Than the Other. Your device is equipped with the revolutionary new Plug Whose Prongs Consist of Six Small Religious Figurines Made of Chocolate. DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN! Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet, but out of direct sunlight, and clean it weekly with a damp handkerchief. WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD A SHARP OBJECT IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD AND POKE YOUR EYE OUT, AS THIS COULD VOID THE WARRANTY. 3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE DESIGNER CASE. THE ACTUAL WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE ARE MANUFACTURED IN JAPAN. THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER OF ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO JAPAN BUT DOES HAVE MOST OF 'SHOGUN' ON TAPE. INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, it is our advising that: NEVER to hold these buttons two times!! Except the battery. Next taking the (something) earth section may cause a large occurrence! However. If this is not a trouble, such rotation is a very maintenance action, as a kindly (something) viewpoint from Drawing B. 4. WARRANTY Be it hereby known that this device, together with but not excluding all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warranted against all defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur between now and Thursday afternoon shortly before 2, during which time the Manufacturer will, at no charge to the Owner, send the device to our Service People, who will emerge from their caves and engage in rituals designed to cleanse it of evil spirits. This warranty does not cover the attractive designer case. WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER HAS 'SHOGUN' ON TAPE.
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Mixed Joke
The wife says: You wantThe wife means: You wantThe wife says: We needThe wife means: I wantThe wife says: It's your decisionThe wife means: The correct decision should be obviousThe wife says: Do what you wantThe wife means: You'll pay for this laterThe wife says: We need to talkThe wife means: I need to complainThe wife says: Sure. . . go aheadThe wife means: I don't want you toThe wife says: I'n not upsetThe wife means: Of course I'm upset you moronThe wife says: You're . . . so manlyThe wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lotThe wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lightsThe wife means: I have flabby thighs. The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenientThe wife means: I want a new house. The wife says: I want new curtains. The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!The wife says: I need wedding shoes. The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white. The wife says: Hang the picture thereThe wife means: No, I mean hang it there!The wife says: I heard a noiseThe wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep. The wife says: Do you love me?The wife means: I'm going to ask for something expensive. The wife says: How much do you love me?The wife means: I did something today you're not going to like. The wife says: I'll be ready in a minute. The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap. The wife says: Am I fat?The wife means: Tell me I'm beautiful. The wife says: You have to learn to communicate. The wife means: Just agree with me. The wife says: Are you listening to me?The wife means: [Too late, your doomed. ]The wife says: YesThe wife means: NoThe wife says: NoThe wife means: NoThe wife says: MaybeThe wife means: NoThe wife says: I'm sorryThe wife means: You'll be sorryThe wife says: Do you like this recipe?The wife means: You better get used to itThe wife says: All we're going to buy is a soap dishThe wife means: I'm coming back with enough to fill this place. The wife says: Was that the baby?The wife means: Get out of bed and walk himThe wife says: I'm not yelling!The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important!In answer to the question 'What's wrong?'The wife says: The same old thing. The wife means: Nothing. The wife says: Nothing. The wife means: Everything. The wife says: Nothing, really. The wife means: It's just that you're an idiot. The wife says: I don't want to talk about it. The wife means: I'm still building up steam.
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Book title Joke
Kung Fu for Beginners by Flora Mugga
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Telephone Joke
What do you get if you cross a telephone with a night crawler? Ringworm!
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Joke for Halloween
There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country. The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, 'Mmmmm, I smell sausage. The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said 'Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes. 'The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. The baby mole said, 'The only thing I can smell is molasses!'
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Real Life Joke
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. St. Paul, MNThe hit movie 'Home Alone' about a boy thwarting burglars with imaginative mayhem, wasn't total fantasy. Just ask the guy who tried to break in while 13-year-old Ryan Hendrickson was home alone. Ryan was watching television Wednesday night when he heard a noise that sounded like a window screen being cut. 'I ran to the closet and grabbed a bat, ' Ryan said Thursday. 'I went. . . into the dining room, where I saw him cutting the window with a knife. He put his left hand in first and I was waiting for his right hand to come in. . . and I took the baseball bat and I hit him as hard as I could. 'The man ran. Ryan called 911. Police, while cautioning Ryan to call 911 first next time, did enjoy the fact that the kid got in the first lick against a bad guy.
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Book title Joke
Food on the Table by E. Tittup
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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