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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of fun casino scotland and other funny jokes |
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Sport Joke
Why did the goal post get angry? Because the bar was rattled!
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Priceless Joke
A bartender was working the late shift. While he was working, a beautiful blonde woman walked in and took a seat at the bar. She ordered up a Coors and sat there drinking for a while. Suddenly, the woman passed out cold on the stool. The bartender had a sudden thought, and so he cautiously looked around. Seeing that no one was around, he closed up the bar, and took advantage of the situation. The next night, the bartender was, again, working the late shift, but some of his friends stopped by, so he told them about the previous night and his good time with the blonde woman. All of a sudden, the blonde walks in again. The bartender motions to his friends that she is the same lady. The lady sits down at the bar and orders another Coors. Eventually, she passes out. The bartender closes up shop, and him and all his friends take their turns. The next night, the bartender is working the late shift. His friends show up, with all of their friends, and so there is a huge crowd in the bar. The woman walks in again, orders a Coors, drinks it, and then passes out. So, the barender closes up shop, and everyone has a turn. The next night, even more people are waiting at the bar. The woman walks in and orders a Budweiser. The bartender, his plans foiled, asks, 'You don't want the usual?'She looks at him for a minute and shakes her head. 'No. Coors makes my pussy sore!'
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School Joke
Where did all the cuts and blood come from? The school went on a trip!
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Drunks Joke
A very drunk man in a bar tells the bartender and everyone that issitting near him that he can fart out the tune to The Star Spangelled Banner!Everyone who hears this wants to see him do it. So he tells everyone togather around him, then he climbs up on the bar, drops his trousers and proceeds to take a massive dump on the bar counter. After hefinishes the disgusted bartender says 'Why in the hell did you shit on mybar?' The drunk replies 'Even Elvis had to clear his throat!'Sent by Paul
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Redneck Joke
Four married guys go golfing on Sunday. During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued: First Guy: 'Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend. ' Second Guy: 'That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool. ' Third Guy: 'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her. ' They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?' Fourth Guy: 'I don't want to talk about it. Let's just say that the foundation for the new house is being poured next Tuesday. '
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Doctor and nurse Joke
An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death's door due to an infected gallbladder. The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant that his patients be up and walking in the hall the day after surgery, to help prevent blood clots forming in the leg veins. The nurses walked the patient in the hall as ordered, and after the third day the nurse told how he complained bitterly each time they did. The surgeon told them to keep walking him. After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family came to pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely for what he had done for their father. The surgeon was pleased and appreciated the thanks, but told them that it was really a simple operation and we had been lucky to get him in time. 'But doctor, you don't understand, ' they said, 'Dad hasn't walked in over a year!'
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Science Joke
English is a Crazy Language From: Charlie IndelicatoLet's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplantnor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffinsweren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats arecandies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find thatquicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig isneither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don'tgroce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't theplural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that youcomb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunchof odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eatsvegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhapsyou bote your tongue?Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylumfor the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play andplay at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses thatrun and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man andwise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, whilequite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hellone day and cold as hell another. Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they areabsent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met asung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone whowas combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all thosepeople who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your housecan burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it outand in which an alarm clock goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects thecreativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). Thatis why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights areout, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, butwhen I wind up this essay, I end it.
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Politics Humor
While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90 year old man (he got his hand caught in a gate while working his cattle)a doctor and the old man were discussing Bush's health care reform ideas. The old man said 'Well, ya know, old Bush is a post turtle'. So, not knowing what he meant the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was. And he said 'When your driving down a country road, and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle. You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor thing down. '
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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