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pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of fun casino hire scotland and other funny jokes |
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Strange Humor
Clarification Of Corporate LingoEmployer's Lingo:'COMPETITIVE SALARY' We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors. 'JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM' We have no time to train you. 'CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE' We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings. 'MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED' You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day. 'SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED' Some time each night and some time each weekend. 'DUTIES WILL VARY' Anyone in the office can boss you around. 'MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL' We have no quality control. 'CAREER-MINDED' Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way). 'APPLY IN PERSON' If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled. 'NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE' We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality. 'SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE' You'll need it to replace three people who just left. 'PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST' You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos. 'REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS' You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect. 'GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS' Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it. Employee's Lingo:'I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:' I've used Microsoft Office. 'I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE' I pilfer office supplies. 'MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES' I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had. 'I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK' I blame others for my mistakes. 'I'M PERSONABLE' I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers. 'I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL' I carry a Day-Timer. 'I AM ADAPTABLE' I've changed jobs a lot. 'I AM ON THE GO' I'm never at my desk. 'I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED' The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.
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Ethnic Humor
ARKANSAS MOTHER WRITES HER SONDearest Redneck Son, I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though. Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. . . we haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother. Uncle Ted fell in a whisky vat last week. Some men triedto pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drpwmed. We had him cremated and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened. Love, Mom
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Money Joke
Five dollars for one question!' said the girl to the fortune-teller. 'That's very expensive, isn't it ?' 'Next!'
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Joke Online
Continuing with our list of dumb excuses that will guarantee you won't be invited out again! (unless of course your married an the wife makes you go!)I'D LOVE TO BUT. . . . . . I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out. . . . I feel a song coming on. . . . I have to be on the next train to Bermuda. . . . I have to bleach my hare. . . . I have too much guilt. . . . I just picked up a book called 'Glue in Many Lands' and I'm stuck on it. . . . . . I never go out on days that end in 'Y. ' . . . I promised to help a friend re-fold road maps. . . . I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer. . . . I'm having all my plants neutered. . . . I'm making a home movie called 'The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator. ' . . . I'm too old for that stuff. . . . I'm too young for that stuff. . . . I'm touring China with a wok band. . . . I'm trying desperately to be less popular. . . . I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others. . . . I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner. . . . My bathroom tiles need grouting. . . . My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night. . . . My mother would never let me hear the end of it. . . . My yucca plant is feeling yucky.
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Totally Weird Joke
What kind of drugs are mail carriers not tested for?SPEED!
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Easy to Remember Joke
The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that. The teenager tells her 'Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!' and out she goes. The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate. 'Loosen up, sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets. '
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Monster Joke
Little monster: Mom, why can't we have dustbins like everyone else? Mother monster: Less talking, more eating please.
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Fun Funny Joke
3 nurses go into the morgue, and there's a dead man's body lying there, with an erection. The first nurse sees it, and says 'I'm gagging for it', gets atop the man and has her way with it. The second nurse says 'Aye, so am I, shame to let it go to waste', and she does the same. They turn to the 3rd nurse and ask her if she is having a go. She replies she is having her period, and declines. One of the nurses reply 'He's dead anyway, he'll no bother'. The last nurse agrees with this, gets on and does her thing too. Just after she finishes, the dead man sits up. The nurses ask him 'We thought you were dead!', and the man replies, 'After two jump starts and a blood transfusion, you wouldn't be dead either!'.
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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