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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of fun casino and other funny jokes |
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Hair and bald Joke
Look at that bald man over there. It's the first time I've seen a parting with ears.
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Animal Joke
Once upon a time in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. 'Oh, my, ' said the bunny, 'I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am. ''It's quite OK, ' replied the snake. 'Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and find out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you. ''Oh, that would be wonderful' replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, 'Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit. ''Oh, thank you! Thank you, ' cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, 'Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me. 'So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, 'Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone, and no balls. I'd say you must be French'.
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Humor Joke
This couple has been dating for about four months, but the guy had been afraid of making any sexual advances because of his tiny organ. Finally, he gets up his courage and takes her to a secluded spot in his car. While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis. 'No thanks, ' the girl says. 'You know I don't smoke. '
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Office Humor
Atlanta School BoardThe Atlanta School Board, feeling left out by the fuss over Ebonics, has decided to designate Southern slang, or 'Hickphonics, ' as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. Here are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:HEIDI -- noun. Greeting. HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: 'Heidi. Hire yew. 'BARD -- verb. Past tense of the infinitive 'to borrow. 'Usage: 'My brother bard my pickup truck. 'JAWJUH -- noun. A state just north of Florida. Capital is Hot-lanta. Usage: 'My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck. 'MUNTS -- noun. A calendar division. Usage: 'My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts. 'IGNERT -- adjective. Not smart. See 'Arkansas native. 'Usage: 'Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!'RANCH -- noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage: 'I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago. 'ALL -- noun. A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: 'I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck. 'FAR -- noun. A conflagration. Usage: 'If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far. 'BAHS -- noun. A supervisor. Usage: 'If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back towork (or studying), your bahs is gonna far you!'TAR -- noun. A rubber wheel. Usage: 'Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck. 'TIRE -- noun. A tall monument. Usage: 'Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime. 'RETARD -- Verb. To stop working. Usage: 'My grampaw retard at age 65. 'TARRED -- adverb. Exhausted. Usage: 'I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred. 'FAT -- noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle orcombat. ARE -- pronoun. Possessive case of we used as a predicate adjective. RATS -- noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: 'We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats. 'FARN -- adjective. Not local. Usage: 'I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed. . . must be from some farncountry. 'DID -- adjective. Not alive. Usage: 'He's did, Jim. 'EAR -- noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA). Usage: 'He cain't breath . . . give 'im some ear!'BOB WAR -- noun. A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: 'Boy, stay away from that bob war fence. 'JEW HERE -- Noun and verb contraction. Usage: 'Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?'HAZE -- a contraction. Usage: 'Is Bubba smart?' 'Nah. . . haze ignert. ' SEED -- verb, past tense. VIEW -- contraction: verb and pronoun. Usage: 'I ain't never seed New York City. . . view?'
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Baby Joke
Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences. The first man said, ' my wife was reading a 'tale of two cities' and she gave birth to twins' 'That's funny', the second man remarked, 'my wife was reading 'the three musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets' The third man shouted, 'Good God, I have to rush home!' When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, ' When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali baba and the forty Thieves'!!!
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School Joke
Mother: What was the first thing you learned in class? Daughter: How to talk without moving my lips!
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Situations Humor
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, 'When you feel like you are getting readyto ejaculate, try startling yourself. ' That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the twobegan, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, 'How did it go?' The man answered, 'Not that well. . . when I fired thepistol, my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!'
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Dead and dying Joke
A monster and a zombie went into a funeral home. 'I'd like to order a coffin for a friend of mine who has just died, ' said the monster. 'Certainly ma'am, ' said the undertaker, 'but there was really no need to bring her with you. '
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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