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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of fun bowling games and other funny jokes |
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Bar Joke - 2
December 14thDearest John:I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised. With dearest love and affection, Agnes--------------------------------------December 15thDearest John:Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves. . . . I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. All my love, Agnes--------------------------------------December 16thDear John:Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist. . . . you're just too kind. Love Agnes---------------------------------------December 17thToday the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic. Affectionately, Agnes----------------------------------------December 18thDearest John:What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves. All my love, Agnes-----------------------------------------December 19thDear John:When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!Cordially, Agnes------------------------------------------December 20thJohn:What's with you and those fricking birds???? Seven swans a-swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night. IT'S NOT FUNNY. . . . . . . So stop with those fricking birds!Sincerely, Agnes-------------------------------------------December 21stOK Buster:I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their own damn cows. There is poop all over the lawn and I can't move into my own house. Just lay off me. SMART ASS. Ag----------------------------------------------December 22ndHey Buttface:What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And geeeez - do they play. They never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours. From Ag----------------------------------------------You Rotten Prick:Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've gotdiarrhea. My living room is a river of poop. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sicking the police on you. One who means it, Ag----------------------------------------------December 24thListen Asshole:What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned 'ladies'? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 234 of the birds are dead. They have been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine. Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister----------------------------------------------December 25th(From the law offices Taeker, Spredar, and Baegar)Dear Sir:This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
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Mad Joke
Xerox and Wurlitzer: They're going to make reproductive organsFairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers: New company will be called Fairwell HoneychildPolygram records, Warner Brothers and Keebler: new company will be called Poly Warner CrackerW. R. Grace Co. , Fuller Brush Co. , Mary Kay Cosmetics and Hale Business Systems: New company will be called Hale Mary Fuller Grace3M and Goodyear: New company will be called mmmGoodJohn Deere and Abitibi-Price: new company will be called Deere AbiHoneywell, Imasco, and Home Oil: New company will be called Honey I'm HomeDenison Mines, Alliance and Metal Mining: New company will be called Mine, All Mine3M, J. C. Penney and Canadian Opera Company: New company will be called 3 Penney OperaGrey Poupon and Dockers Pants: New company will be called Poupon PantsKnott's Berry Farm and National organization of Women: New company will be called Knott NOW!Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining: New compant will be called Zip Audi Do-Da
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Dumb People Joke
The owner of a drugstore arrives at work to find a man leaning heavily against a wall. The owner goes inside and asks his clerk whats up. 'He wanted something for his cough, but I couldnt find the cough syrup, ' the clerk explains. 'So I gave him a laxative and told him to take it all at once. ' 'Laxatives wont cure a cough, you idiot, ' the owner shouts angrily. 'Sure it will, ' the clerk says, pointing at the man leaning on the wall. 'Look at him. Hes afraid to cough. '
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Joke Online
International Travellers Bloopers1. On a French passenger jet: Live West Under Your Seat. 2. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. 3. In a Belgrade hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk. 4. In an Athens hotel: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a. m. daily. 5. In a Yugoslav hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid. 6. In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid. 7. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel, across from a Russian monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday. 8. In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension (???). 9. In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today: no ice cream. 10. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for. 11. Alongside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs. 12. Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well talking. Here speeching American. 13. At a Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop you trousers here for best results. 14. At a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summer suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation. 15. A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose. 16. In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose. 17. In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists. 18. In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time. 19. At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty. 20. At an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here (mmm. . . ). 21. At a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run. 22. A Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself. 23. From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage, then tootle him with vigor. 24. In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man. 25. In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions. 26. On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcom to it. 27. In a Tokyo hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis. 28. In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up. 29. On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finder; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
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Snowman Joke
What two letters of the alphabet do snowmen prefer ? I. C. !
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Stand Up Joke
New Year's Resolutions for Internet Junkies. . . I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses. I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband). I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person. I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily. . . well, once a week. . . okay, monthly then. . . or maybe. . . I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hardto estimate since I'm not a clock watcher. When I hear 'Where do you want to go today?' I will not reply 'MS Tech Support. 'When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, 'LOL. . . LOL!'I will read the manual. . . just as soon as I can find it. I will think of a password other than 'password. 'I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning. . . 4:30 is much more practical. I resolve. . . I resolve to. . . I resolve to, uh. . . I resolve to, uh, get my, er. . . I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!
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Lawyer Joke
`You seem to be in some distress, ' said the kindly judge to the witness. `Is anything the matter?'`Well, your Honour, ' said the witness, `I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects. '
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Hair and bald Joke
Customer: Why is my hairline receding? Barber: It's not. Your scalp is advancing.
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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