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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of fun art activities and other funny jokes |
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Bumper Stickers - 4
I know my biology; it's your biology I don't know.
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Totally Weird Joke
Secret tips for making a marriage last. . . My wife and I have the secrets to making a marriage last. . . 1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, goodfood and companionship. She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays. 2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida, mine is in NY. 3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. 4. I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?''Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!'So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. 6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said 'There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down !'So I bought her an electric chair. 7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. When I asked where the car was, she told me 'In the lake. '8. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!9. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. . . 10. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, 'Am I too late for the garbage?'The driver said, 'No, jump in!'
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Doctor and nurse Joke
Doctor, Doctor When I press with my finger here. . . it hurts, and here. . . it hurts, and here. . . and here. . . What do you think is wrong with me? You have a broken finger!
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Spelling Joke
Can you read the following? Yy u r yy u b I c u r yy 4 me. Too wise you are, too wise you be, I see you are too wise for me.
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Horse Joke
Two disgruntled evidently losing punters had been consoling themselves in the bar at Kempton, and after the meeting were walking it off on the course. ' I don't know what these bloody jockeys get paid for,' said the first punter, scowling at the nearest fence,' Any bugger could jump these things, I could do it without a horse. ' 'Go on then,' Said his friend, peering owlishly through the gloom. 'Jump that one. ' The first punter took of his race glasses, took a run at the first fence and cleared it with a foot to spare. . . . . . . . . . and. . . . . . . . landed in the water.
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Joke Online
(name withheld) Minnetonka, MN 55345Superior Health Insurance ATTN: Claims Review 1423 W. 90th St. New York, NY 05016Dear Sir:This letter is in response to your recent letter requesting a more detailed explanation concerning my recent internment at Methodist Hospital. Specifically, you asked for an expansion in reference to Block 21(a)(3) of the claim form (reason for hospital visit). On the original form, I put 'Stupidity'. I realize now that this answer was somewhat vague and so I will attempt to more fully explain the circumstances leading up to my hospitalization. I had needed to use the restroom and had just finished a quick bite to eat at the local burger joint. I entered the bathroom, took care of my business, and just prior to the moment in which I had planned to raise my trousers, the locked case that prevents theft of the toilet paper in such places came undone and, feeling it striking my knee, unthinkingly, I immediately, and with unnecessary force, returned the lid back to its normal position. Unfortunately, as I did this I also turned and certain parts of my body, which were still exposed, were trapped between the device's lid and its main body. Feeling such intense and immediate pain caused me to jump back. It quickly came to my attention that, when one's privates are firmly attached to an immovable object, it is not a good idea to jump in the opposite direction. Upon recovering some of my senses, I attempted to reopen the lid. However, my slamming of it had been sufficient to allow the locking mechanism to engage. I then proceeded to get a hold on my pants and subsequently removed my keys from them. I intended to try to force the lock of the device open with one of my keys; thus extracting myself. Unfortunately, when I attempted this, my key broke in the lock. Embarrassment of someone seeing me in this unique position became a minor concern, and I began to call for help in as much of a calm and rational manner as I could. An employee from the restaurant quickly arrived and decided that this was a problem requiring the attention of the store manager. Betty, the manager, came quickly. She attempted to unlock the device with her keys. Since I had broken my key off in the device, she could not get her key in. Seeing no other solution, she called the EMS (as indicated on your form in block 21(b)(1)). After approximately 15 minutes, the EMS arrived, along with two police officers, a fire-rescue squad, and the channel 4 'On-the-Spot' news team. The guys from the fire department quickly took charge as this was obviously a rescue operation. The senior member of the team discovered that the device was attached with bolts to the cement wall that could only be reached once the device was unlocked. (His discovery was by means of tearing apart the device located in the stall next to the one that I was in. (Since the value of the property destroyed in his examination was less than $50 (my deductible) I did not include it in my claim. ) His partner, who seemed like an intelligent fellow at the time, came up with the idea of cutting the device from the wall with the propane torch that was in the rescue truck. The fireman went to his truck, retrieved the torch, and commenced to attempt to cut the device from the wall. Had I been in a state to think of such things, I might have realized that in cutting the device from the wall several things would also inevitably happen. First, the air inside of the device would quickly heat up, causing items inside the device to suffer the same effects that are normally achieved by placing things in an oven. Second, the metal in the device is a good conductor of heat causing items that are in contact with the device to react as if thrown into a hot skillet. And, third, molten metal would shower the inside of the device as the torch cut through. The one bright note of the propane torch was that it did manage to cut, in the brief time that I allowed them to use it, a hole big enough for a small pry bar to be placed inside of the device. The EMS team then loaded me, along with the device, into the waiting ambulance as stated on your form. Due the small area of your block 21(a)(3), I was unable to give a full explanation of these events, and thus used the word which I thought best described my actions that led to my hospitalization. Sincerely, (name withheld)
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Joke of the Day
What usually happens when a man puts his best foot forward?It ends up in his mouth!
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Law and Lawyer Joke
At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another: 'Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?' 'Really?' the other replied, 'Why did you switch?' 'Well, for four very good reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, third there are some things even a rat won't do, and fourth sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings. '
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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