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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of fun activities in london and other funny jokes |
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Marriage Joke
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a 'Curse' he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says 'maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you. ' The old man says without hesitation 'I now pronounce you man and wife'.
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Love and Marriage Joke
They were married, but since the argument they had a few days earlier, they hadn't been talking to each other. Instead, they were giving each other written notes. One evening he gave her a paper where it said: 'Wake me up tomorrow morning at 6 am. ' The next morning he woke up and saw that it was 9 o'clock. Naturally he got very angry, but as he turned around he found a note on his pillow saying: 'Wake up, it's 6 o'clock!'
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Joke for Halloween
As Hostage Taker: Demand to speak only with FBI agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully. Have one of the hostages hold your gun while you make a quick trip to the bathroom. Let one hostage go to the bathroom. When he doesn't return, send the others to see what's taking him so long. Agree to let the hostages go, after doing so, make you demands. Rig the building to explode if someone tries to go through the door, then remember that you forgot to lock your car and leave the room. Confuse the detonator for your explosive booby-traps with your garage door opener. Tell the negotiator that you'd rather choke on tear gas than let the hostages go. Allow one of the hostages to win possession of your gun because of a paper-rock scissors tournament. Forget your gun at home. Run away bawling like a baby when one of your hostages calls you a 'meanie'. Ask the negotiator to tell your fiancee that this is all a joke and would she marry you. As Negotiator: Ask the hostage taker if he/she would like to go to dinner after the stand-off. When hearing the demands suddenly yell into the phone, 'It all you you you! What about my needs?!' When you call the hostage taker, tell him you'd like a large thick crust pepperoni and snicker loudly. Show up stoned and do anything at all. When the hostage taker lists his demands yell into the phone 'La la la la! I can't hear you!' Mention how much income tax the hostage taker will have to pay if he/she gets the F-15 he/she wants. Tell the hostage take that you think Rosanne Barr should play him in the TV movie of the stand-off. Tell the hostage taker you think it'd be really cool if a hostage came flying out of a 52nd story window. Tell the hostage taker that he must convert to hindu if he wants you to deal with him. When the hostage taker agrees to let the hostages go tell him, 'You're never gonna be on COPS with a wimp attitude like that. '
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Halloween Joke
One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes. She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful. The woman said, 'what are you supposed to say sweetheart?' The little girl looks up at the woman and says 'Twick or Tweat!' The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door. The woman say to the child, 'Go ahead honey say it just one more time. ' Once again the little Angel looks up and says, 'Twick or Tweat!' The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag. The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says, 'Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my f**king cookies!'
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Animal Joke
A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, 'All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine. ' The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, 'It's no good, I'll have to do it, ' and yells, 'ALLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third. The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, 'Nothing is wrong with me--it's this bloody horse. What is he--deaf or something?' The trainer replies, 'Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!'
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Humor Joke
My mother-in-law was bitten by a dog yesterday. How is she now ? She's fine. But, the dog died.
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Bar Joke - 2
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men saying the following;'Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Denna I come once-a more. ''You fowl-mouthed swine, ' retorted the lady indignantly. 'In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!'Hey, coola down lady, ' said the man, 'Imma justa tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi. '
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Top 100 Joke
Believe it or not, the following announcements actually appeared in various church bulletins. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing 'Put me in my little bed' accompanied by the pastor. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be 'Little Mothers' will meet with the Pastor in his study. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come foreward and lay an egg on the alter. The service will close with 'Little Drops of Water. ' One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come foreward and do so. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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