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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of fisher price laugh and learn table and other funny jokes |
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Joke Online
If Dear Abby Was A Man. . . Q: My fiance still has feelings for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he will not be faithful. A: A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior. Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys. A: This is perfectly natural behaviour - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour. Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister. A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and on't mention this aspect of his behaviour. Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him. A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal. Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is. A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at car-boot sales. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal. Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love - we have no time to talk. A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his love-making is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal. Q: My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds. A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the more he loves you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present, and cooking him a nice meal. Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay. A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal. Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm. A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present . . and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.
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Easy to Remember Joke
OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply crossout the names and address of people you don't know. FOOL other drivers intothinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remotecontrol up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mountingthe curb. LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I foundthat the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds inonly 2 days. AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turnedto 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally. NO TIME for abath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling itoff. SAVE ON BOOZE by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The followingmorning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble fullof dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall. RECREATEthe fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling thebath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
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Bumper Stickers - 5
If you think the car is dirty you should spend a night with the driver!
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Monster Joke
An enormous monster with eight arms and eleven legs walked into a tailors shop. 'Quick!' shouted the tailor to his assistant. 'Hide the 'Free Alterations' sign!'
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Waiter Joke
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup! Couldn't be, sir. The cook used them all in the raisin bread.
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Totally Weird Joke
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He had finished the book by the time he reached his house. The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, 'From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?' 'The funeral director, ' said his wife.
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Law Joke
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and his Lawyer are in a train.
The Russian takes a bottle of Vodka out of his pack, pours some
into a glass, drinks it, and says: 'In USSR, we have the best vodka
in the world. And we have so much of it, we can just throw it
away. . . ' and throws the rest of the bottle out the window. All the
others are quite impressed.
The Cuban opens a pack of cigars, takes one and begins to smoke
it saying: 'In Cuba, we have the best cigars in the world and we
have so much of them, that we can just throw them away. . . ' and
throws the pack of havanas out the window. One more time, everybody
is quite impressed.
The American just says: 'I don't know about best but. . . ' and
throws the Lawyer out the window.
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Music Joke
Q: How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Twenty. 1 to hold the bulb, 2 to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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