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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
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pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of fisher price laugh and learn kitchen and other funny jokes |
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Weirdest Joke
The following quotes were taken from actual medical records dictated by physicians. They appeared in a column written by Richard Lederer, Ph. D. , for the Journal of Court Reporting. * By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better. *Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. *The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet. *On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared. *She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. *The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in1983. *I will be happy to go into her GI system; she seems ready and anxious. *Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing. I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor. *The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. *Discharge status: Alive but without permission. The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him. *Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful. *The patient refused an autopsy. *The patient has no past history of suicides. *The patient expired on the floor uneventfully. *Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital. *Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency. *The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. *She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December. *The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room. *The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.
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Blonde Joke - 2
Postcard from a blonde: Having a wonderful time. Where am I?
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Ethnical Joke
For more than 30 years, New York magazine has run a contest in which contestants take a well-known foreign language expression, change a single letter, and provide a definition for the new expression. Here are some favorites. Harlez-vous fran硩s?CAN YOU DRIVE A FRENCH MOTOCYCLE? Cogito Eggo Sum. I THINK; THEREFORE I AM A WAFFLE. Rigor morris. THE CAT IS DEAD. Repondez-vous s'il vous plaid. HONK IF YOU'RE SCOTTISH. Que sera serf. LIFE IS FEUDAL. Posh mortem. DEATH STYLES OF THE RICH AND FAMOUS. Pro Bozo publicoSUPPORT YOUR LOCAL CLOWN. Ap賠Moe le deluge. LARRY AND MOE GOT WET. Haste cuisine. FAST FRENCH FOOD. Veni, vidi, vice. I CAME, I SAW, I PARTIED. Mazel ton. TONS OF LUCK. Aloha oy. LOVE; GREETINGS; FAREWELL; FROM SUCH A PAIN YOU SHOULD NEVER KNOW. Visa la France. DON'T LEAVE YOUR CHATEAU WITHOUT IT. L'鴡t, c'est moo. I'M BOSSY AROUND HERE. Cogito, ergo spud. I THINK, THEREFORE I YAM. (OK, more than 1 letter. ) Veni, vidi, velcroI CAME, I SAW, I STUCK AROUND. (OK, another exception. )
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Bird Joke
When is the best time to buy budgies ? When they're going cheap !
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Kids Puns
Every day a 4th grade boy walks home from school past a 4th grade girls house. One day he is carrying a football, and he stops to taunt the little girl. He holds up the football and says 'See this football? Football is a boys game and girls can't have one!' The little girl runs in the house crying and tells her mother about the encounter. She runs out and buys the girl a football. The next day the boy is riding home on his bike, and the girl shows him the football, yelling 'Nah na nah na nah'. The little boy gets mad and points to his bike. 'See this bike? This is a boys bike, and girls can't have them!'Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boys bike. Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points at his most private of parts, and says 'You see THIS? Only BOYS have these and your mother can't go buy you one!'The next day as he passes the house he asks the little girl 'Well, what do you have to say NOW?' So she pulls up her dress and says. . . 'My mother told me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!'
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Bumper Stickers - 3
Eagles Don't Flock.
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Village Idiot Joke
What's the dumbest part of a man's body?His penis. It has a head without a brain, it swings with two nuts, and it lives right around the corner from an asshole.
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Joke for Halloween
An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery. During one Sunday's sermon he told them, 'If one more person confesses to adultery, I'll quit!'Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: 'fallen. 'From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had 'fallen. 'This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93. Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor. The priest was quite concerned. 'You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town, Mayor. You can't believe how many people come into the confessional talking about having fallen!'The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their code word to the new priest. But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said -'I don't know why you're laughing; your wife fell three times last week!'
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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