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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of feed me weird things and other funny jokes |
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Romance Joke
'Oh love, what did you ever do to deserve a wife like me?'she said looking lovingly into her husbands eyes. 'I don't know, but I promise I'll never do it again. '
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Website Joke
You need to log on to the window repair website! I did - but it gave me a pane!
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Dirty Joke
How do you know you're leading a sad life? When a nymphomaniac tells you, 'Let's just be friends. '
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Miscellaneous Joke
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly. 2. In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sensual massage. ' 3. Specify that your drive-through order is 'to go. ' 4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of 'Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip. . . ' 5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others. 6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. 7. Speak only in a 'robot' voice. 8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly. 9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will 'swipe your grub'. 10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies. 11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets. 12. Sniffle incessantly. 13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles. 14. Name your dog 'Dog. ' 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions 'to keep them tuned up. ' 16. Reply to everything someone says with 'that's what YOU think. ' 17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your 'astronaut training. ' 18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for 'violating your airspace'. 19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a 'real hoot. ' 20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol. 21. Practice making fax and modem noises. 22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and 'cc:' them to your boss. 23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. 24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance. 25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a 'spider person. ' 26. Finish all your sentences with the words 'in accordance with the prophesy. ' 27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control. 28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment. 29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears. 30. Disassemble your pen and 'accidentally' flip the ink cartridge across the room. 31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice. 32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting. 33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you 'like it that way. ' 34. Drum on every available surface. 35. Staple papers in the middle of the page. 36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates. 37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings. 38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks. 39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places. 40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page. 41. Set alarms for random times. 42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon. 43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving. 44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a 'croaking' noise. 45. Honk and wave to strangers. 46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange. 47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show. 48. Tape pieces of 'Sweating to the Oldies' over climactic parts of rental movies. 49. Wear your pants backwards. 50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register. 51. Begin all your sentences with 'ooh la la!' 52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE. 53. only type in lowercase. 54. dont use any punctuation either 55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. 56. Pay for your dinner with pennies. 57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes. 58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question. 59. Write 'X - BURIED TREASURE' in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps. 60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O. J Simpson conspiracy theories. 61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: 'Do you hear that?' 'What?' 'Never mind, its gone now. ' 62. Light road flares on a birthday cake. 63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley. 64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency. 65. Demand that everyone address you as 'Conquistador. ' 66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks. 67. When Christmas caroling, sing 'Jingle Bells, Batman smells' until physically restrained. 68. Wear a cape that says 'Magnificent One. ' 69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk. 70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read. 71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it. 72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce 'no, wait, I messed it up, ' and repeat. 73. Drive half a block. 74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination. 75. Ask people what gender they are. 76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back. 77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl. 78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off 'in case the big one comes'. 79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as 'Feliz Navidad', the Archies 'Sugar' or the Mr. Rogers theme song. 80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet. 81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day. 82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September. 83. Change your name to 'AaJohn Aaaaasmith' for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each 'a. ' 84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. 85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed. 86. Wear a LOT of cologne. 87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your 'superior mental processing. ' 88. Sing along at the opera. 89. Mow your lawn with scissors. 90. At a golf tournament, chant 'swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!' 91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your 'imaginary friend. ' 92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme. 93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about 'psychological profiles. ' 94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a 'magic picture. ' 95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times. 96. Never make eye contact. 97. Never break eye contact. 98. Construct elaborate 'crop circles' in your front lawn. 99. Construct your own pretend 'tricorder, ' and 'scan' people with it, announcing the results. 100. Make appointments for the 31st of September. 101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
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Irish Joke
An American and an Irishman were enjoying a ride in the country when they came upon an unusual sight - an old gallows. The American thought he would have a joke on his Irish companion. 'You see that, I reckon, ' said he to the Irishman, pointing to the gallows. 'And now where would you be if the gallows had its due?' 'Riding alone, ' coolly replied Paddy.
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Drunks Joke
The scene was Mount Olympus, where Bacchus, the Greek god of wine, had thrown a party for a pair of visiting Roman deities -- Ceres, the goddess of agriculture, and Janus, the two-faced god of doors and beginnings. Everyone overdid it, more or less. Ceres at one point was staggering and turning in circles; Janus, equally submerged, was trying to dance with her. Bacchus feared that the pair might fall over, so he went to steady them. . . . . This marked the first time that a whirled Ceres was held with a double-header.
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Computer Joke
Dear God: Yesterday was an awful day for me. . . My husband ran off with his secretary, My son pierced his eyebrow, My daughter tattooed the bald spot on her head, My dog mated with the neighbors cat, My neighbor sold her house to a mental institution, My Mom told me I was adopted, My Dad told me he's gay, My boss told me I was laid off, My sister was arrested for prostitution, My house has termites, My car was stolen, All that came in the mail was bills, A plane, crash landed on my garage, OJ Simpson came to my door selling rug cleaner, And my TV blew. Lord, please be with me today. I was able to live through all that misery yesterday. And I will be able to make it through anything today! But please. . . . DON'T LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO MY COMPUTER!!!!! AMENA programmer enters an elevator, wanting to go to the 12th floor. So, he pushes '1
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Military Joke
This Marine drill instructor, completely frazzled by the ineptitude of his recruits, burst into a blue streak of swearing hot enough to blister paint. He broke off suddenly when he noticed one of the recruits had been talking in ranks. 'WHAT WAS THAT YOU SAID, RECRUIT??' the drill sergeant hollered. In a quivering voice, the recruit replied, 'I said, to myself, Drill Sergeant Sir, 'if that sucker thinks I'm going to stand here and take his crap . . . well, he's certainly an uncanny judge of character.
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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