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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of emily the strange and other funny jokes |
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Bar Joke , beer, booze and fun!
Two ladies are in a bar and the first lady says, 'Why are men the same as parking lots'. So the second lady says 'I don't know?' So the first lady says, ' all the good ones are taken and the ones that are left are handicap!'
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Travel Humor
The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to ahot dog vendor and says, 'Make me one with everything. 'The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, whopays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. 'Where's mychange?' asks the Zen Master. The vendor responds, 'Change must come from within. '
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Horse Joke
An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Betsy. The man asked for help. The farmer said Betsy could pull his car out. So he backed Betsy up and hitched Betsy to the man's car bumper. Then he yelled, 'Pull, Nellie, pull. ' Betsy didn't move. Then he yelled, 'Come on, pull Ranger. ' Still, Betsy didn't move. Then he yelled really loud, 'Now pull, Fred, pull hard. ' Betsy just stood. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, 'Okay, Betsy, pull. ' Betsy pulled the car out of the ditch. The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, 'Oh, Betsy is blind, and if she thought she was the only one pulling she wouldn't even try.
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Funny Famous Joke
A recent survey carried out by a leading soft drink manufacturer inDisneyland produced some strange results. Mickey Mouse like Coca-Cola, while Minnie prefers Pepsi. Donald Duck likes Dr. Pepper, while Daisy prefers RootBeer. Pluto likes plain old lemonade, as does Goofy. But Snow White adores 7up.
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Joke Online
IF AIRLINES SOLD PAINT . . . Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things. Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon. Customer: What's the difference in the paint?Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint. Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint. Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off. Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint. Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday. Customer: You've got to be *&%^#@* kidding!Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available. Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint. Customer: The price went up as we were talking?Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough. Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have. Customer: WHAT?Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint. Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems. Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint. Customer: But what are all these, 'Paint on sale from $10 a liter' signs?Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans. Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon. Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different. Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint. Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir. Customer: You're insane!Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.
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Stand Up Joke
I was wondering if anyone else is having a problem with the Carbon Based Unit, Model # Homo Sapiens. The following is a list of constant problems:- A constant whining whenever the brain disengages after debating the virtues of the automobile selection process- Overheats when the air/gray matter ratio exceeds rational equilibrium in regard to ones own responsibility to auto maintenance- When mouth is placed in gear, makes loud noise whilst insulting the the auto professional. (see previous item)- Software controlling the 'computer' is defective. . wild random responses to input stimuli (i. e. 'Have you checked the oil. . ?') - Motor controls are sluggish (i. e. response to traffic light stimuli and expected law abiding response)- Mouth continues to run long after brain has shut off - Touts superior performance, but functions do not perform as advertised- Lifetime warranty is a misnomer. Cannot get problems fixed under any policy- Model not eligible for trade in or replacement under Lemon LawI have attempted to contact the manufacturer of this model regarding these issues, but I have received no response. I can only assume that this creator does not stand by the product in question. Therefore, I am directing my attorney to file a Class Action suit on behalf of myself and my family. The basis for this suit is that the manufacturer did knowingly produce a defective product. Interested parties make contact my attorney:U. B. Taken1-800-Get-Awayor write:7734 Geton Withit Ave. Getalife, Hades 12345-678
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Answer me this Joke
If fire fighters fight fire and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight?
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Bird Joke
How do you get a cut-price parrot ? Plant bird seed !
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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