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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of dorridge fun run and other funny jokes |
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Sport Joke
Where do footballers dance ? At a football !
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Bible Joke
Knowing that the minister was very fond of cherry brandy, one of the church elders offered to present him with a bottle on one consideration - that the pastor acknowledge receipt of the gift in the church paper. 'Gladly, ' responded the good man. When the church magazine came out a few days later, the elder turned at once to the 'appreciation' column. There he read: 'The minister extends his thanks to Elder Brown for his gift of fruit and for the spirit in which it was given. '
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Law Enforcement Joke
A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were robbing a supermarket when a police officer walked in the store. The three women decide to hide in three potato sacks. The cop kicks the first bag, and the brunette says, 'meow', the cop says, 'oh, its only a cat'He kicks the second bag, and the redhead says, 'woof, woof'. The cop says, 'its only a dog'. He kicks the third bag, and the blonde says, 'potato'
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Pensioner Joke
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, 'Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?'
'Outstanding,' Fred replied. 'They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques-visulization, association-it made a huge difference for me. '
'That's great! What was the name of the clinic?'
Fred went blank He thought and thought, but couldn't remember.
Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, 'What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?'
'You mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's it!' He turned to his wife. . . 'Rose, what was the name of that clinic?'
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Bizarre Joke
Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines. The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, 'I think I'll get up and get a coke. ''No problem, ' said the Soldier, 'I'll get it for you. 'While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier's shoe and spit in it. When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, 'That looks good, I think I'll have one too. 'Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier's other shoe and spit in it. The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston. As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. 'How long must this go on?' the Soldier asked. 'This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity?This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?'
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Kids Puns
A man and his dog are shipwrecked on a desert island. After exploring the island, he discovers that the only other inhabitants on the island are a flock of sheep. After many months he realizes how difficult life is without having a woman by his side. He momentarily considers pleasuring himself with a sheep, but the horror of the thought soon draws him back to his senses. A few months later, he can take it no more, and starts to stalk a particularly comely sheep. As he is about to do the dastardly deed, however, his dog grabs him by the leg and prevents him from going ahead. After some initial anger, he thanks the dog for keeping him on the straight and narrow. This pattern continues for some years, when the man is not so much thankful for the hound's intervention, as downright irritated. Try as he might to sneak off to the sheep whenever the canine isn't looking, his faithful friend always hunts him down whenever he approaches the woolly flock. Then one day, fate intervenes, and the man sees a yacht drop anchor in the bay. Soon he sees a very attractive young woman alighting from the yacht and stepping ashore. Soon he is with her, introducing himself. 'You're the first man I've seen after months at sea, ' she coos. 'I'll do anything you want. 'Deep inside, the man is beside himself with joy. His prayers have been answered. 'Great, ' he says. 'Will you walk my dog for me?'
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Fun Joke
A young woman said to her doctor, 'You have to help me, I hurt all over!'What do you mean?' said the doctor. The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, 'Ow, that hurts. 'Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, 'Ouch! That hurts, too. 'Then she touched her right earlobe. 'Ow, even THAT hurts!'The doctor asked the woman, 'Are you a natural blonde?'Why yes, ' she said. 'I thought so, ' said the doctor. 'You have a sprained finger. '
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Simple Joke
There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into the local watering hole. The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other end of the bar. 'Hey bartender' said the Engineer, 'I'll have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end there. 'The bartender responded, 'I'm sorry sir but that guy's a commie and we don't serve his kind around here. ''Well, you'd better because if it weren't for that guy, I wouldn't be here. You remember that mine that caved in, well I was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get him a beer and if you don't believe me, look at the top of his head and you'll see that it's flat from holding the roof up. 'The bartender skeptically served the commie his beer and then came back to talk to the Engineer: 'I saw the flat spot on his head but I also couldn't help noticing the bruising under his chin. What is that all about?' the Engineer responded: 'Oh. . . that's where we put the jack. '
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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