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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of deaf humour and other funny jokes |
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Practical Joke
Top 15 Good Things About a Cold Winter. . . The melodious clanging Anna Nicole Smith's breasts make when she walks. BATF calls off its siege of your heavily fortified compound when agents run out of hot cocoa. Much easier to locate nipples during foreplay. Finally, a chance to say, 'Yeah, but it's a dry cold. 'Natural refrigeration keeps vagrants crisp and fresh until Spring. You can chill your malt liquor on the window ledge at work. Joy of frostbite makes it easier to rid your self of those troublesome extremities. No news clips of the President jogging for at least 8 more weeks. Watching O. J. enviously eye everyone else's toasty-warm glove-clad hands. Flashers stick to describing themselves. Spouse temporarily stops using back seat of car for elicit affairs. When it's 10 below, nobody gives a rat's ass whether Internet Explorer is better than Netscape. With multiple layers, people with buns of steel look exactly like people with buns of cinnamon. The shivering just makes your Katherine Hepburn impersonation that much better, you old poop!and the Number 1 Good Thing About a Cold Winter. . . Goodbye, runny nose. Hello, Snotcicles!
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Miscellaneous Joke
1) Pretend to be one of the Bush family. Doesn't matter which. 2) Have an uncontrollable lusting for someone else every five minutes. 3) Pretend to be from different ethnic backgrounds every hour, and when people ask you about it, answer like a hillbilly would. 4) Act like a hillbilly. Period. 5) Improvise Italian operas. 6) Gossip about someone to their face. 7) Answer every question with a question. 8) Repeat yourself constantly. 9) Act like a member of the opposite sex. 10) Repeat yourself constantly. 11) Act like Mr. Flanders from The Simpsons. 12) Repeat yourself constantly. 13) Change what you repeat every now and then. 14) Use homonyms in your e-male that the spell cheque would knot sea as miss steaks. 15) Change what you repeat every now and then. 16) Talk to someone while looking at somebody else. 17) Employ in your casual banter extensive vocabulary that will befuddle thy contemporaries. 18) Change what you repeat every now and then. 19) One word: Caffeine. 20) Another word or two: Caffeine and Sugar. 21) stringwhateveryousayintoonelongwordsoitshardtomakeoutwhatyou'resaying. 22) Using non-existent words like George Bush would. 23) Change what you repeat again. 24) Speak in rapid Spanish. 25) Pretend not to know about the rule of personal space. 26) When doing number '25
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Weirdest Joke
A British doctor says, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another man, and have him looking for work in six weeks. ' A German doctor says, 'That's nothing . We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another man, and have him looking for work in four weeks. ' A Russian doctor says, 'In my country, medicine is so advanced we take half a heart out of one person, put it in another man, and have both of them looking for work in two weeks. ' The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, 'You guys are way behind us. We just took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work.
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Bumper Stickers - 7
Want to be somebody? Don't drive after drinking.
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Banana Joke
What is yellow on the inside and green on the outside ? A banana dressed up as a cucumber !
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Computing Joke
If architects had to work like programmers . . . Dear Mr. Architect, Please design and build me a house. I am not quite sure of what I need, so you should use your discretion. My house should have between two and forty-five bedrooms. Just make sure the plans are such that the bedrooms can be easily added or deleted. When you bring the blueprints to me, I will make the final decision of what I want. Also, bring me the cost breakdown for each configuration so that I can arbitrarily pick one. Keep in mind that the house I ultimately choose must cost less than the one I am currently living in. Make sure, however, that you correct all the deficiencies that exist in my current house (the floor of my kitchen vibrates when I walk across it, and the walls don't have nearly enough insulation in them). As you design, also keep in mind that I want to keep yearly maintenance costs as low as possible. This should mean the incorporation of extra-cost features like aluminum, vinyl, or composite siding. (If you choose not to specify aluminum, be prepared to explain your decision in detail. )Please take care that modern design practices and the latest materials are used in construction of the house, as I want it to be a showplace for the most up-to-date ideas and methods. Be alerted, however, that kitchen should be designed to accommodate, among other things, my 1952 Gibson refrigerator. To insure that you are building the correct house for our entire family, make that you contact each of our children, and also our in-laws. My mother-in-law will have very strong feelings about how the house should be designed, since she visits us at least once a year. Make sure that you weigh all of thses options carefully and come to the right decision. I, however, retain the right to overrule any choices that you make. Please don't bother me with small details right now. Your job is to develop the overall plans for the house: get the big picture. At this time, for example, it is not appropriate to be choosing the color of the carpet. However, keep in mind that my wife likes blue. Also, do not worry at this time about acquiring the resources to build the house itself. Your first priority is to develop detailed plans and specifications. Once I approve these plans, however, I would expect the house to be under roof within 48 hours. While you are designing this house specifically for me, keep in mind that sooner or later I will have to sell it to someone else. It therefore should have appeal to a wide variety of potential buyers. Please make sure before you finalize the plans that there is a consensus of the population in my area that they like the features this house has. I advise you to run up and look at my neighbor's house he constructed last year. We like it a great deal. It has many features that we would also like in our new home, particularily the 75-foot swimming pool. With careful engineering, I believe that you can design this into our new house without impacting the final cost. Please prepare a complete set of blueprints. It is not necessary at this time to do the real design, since they will be used only for construction bids. Be advised, however, that you will be held accountable for any increase of construction costs as a result of later design changes. You must be thrilled to be working on as an interesting project as this! To be able to use the latest techniques and materials and to be given such freedom in your designs is something that can't happen very often. Contact me as soon as possible with your complete ideas and plans. PS: My wife has just told me that she disagrees with many of the instructions I've given you in this letter. As architect, it is your responsibility to resolve these differences. I have tried in the past and have been unable to accomplish this. If you can't handle this responsibility, I will have to find another architect. PPS: Perhaps what I need is not a house at all, but a travel trailer. Please advise me as soon as possible if this is the case.
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Bizarre Joke
'I'll tell you, ' he said, 'I've learned that arthritis is the cruellest disease. ' 'Crueller than cancer?' his friend asked. 'You bet, ' the first codger replied, 'It makes every single one of your joints stiff, except the right one. '
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Totally Weird Joke
Doctor: Did you know that there are more than '1
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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