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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of day fun team and other funny jokes |
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Love and Marriage Joke
The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge. 'Was it my friend Sam', he demanded. 'No !' his weeping wife replied. 'Was it my friend Jim then?' he asked. 'NO !!!' she said even more upset. 'Well which one of my no good friends did this then?' he asked. 'Don't you think I have any friends of my own?' she snapped.
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Totally Weird Joke
Sven and Olie died and went to Hell. After awhile, the Devil came by to see how his new guests were doing. To his amazement, he found Sven and Olie were still wearing their winter gear and seemed to be quite comfortable. The Devil asked why they weren't hot. Olie replied, 'We come from Minnesota where it's always cold. This is feeling pretty good to us. ' This upset the Devil, so he turned up the thermostat. Awhile later the Devil looked in again on Sven and Olie. To his surprise he found they were still wearing their winter gear. The Devil questioned them on it again. 'You have to remember that we are from Minnesota and it's very, very cold there. This is feeling nice to us. 'The Devil was even madder at this, so he turned the thermostat all the way up to maximum temperature. The Devil waited some time and then went back to Sven and Olie. This time he found they had only unzipped their coats, but still had all their winter clothes on. The Devil couldn't understand what was going on. The punishment down here was supposed to be the unbearable heat. It wasn't working on these two. He had to ask again what the deal was. Sven replied, 'We are Minnesotans and we just got over a freezing winter. This is really great for Olie and Me. A light flickered in the Devil's mind. He went to the thermostat and turned it off. He thought if the heat wasn't a punishment, maybe he'd give them some freezing temperatures. A little while later the Devil came back to check in on Sven and Olie only to find them cheering and giving each other high fives, happier than ever! The Devil questioned them on their actions and Sven said happily, 'Back home they always said, the Vikings will win the Super Bowl when Hell freezes over!!!'
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Funny School Kids Joke
What do you call a mouse that can pick up an elephant?Sir!
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Sporting Joke
Confucious says: 'Baseball wrong, man with four balls cannot walk. '
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Stand Up Joke
My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wellsburg, Iowa, received a checkfor $'1
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Bumper Stickers - 4
I am overjoyed with whelm!
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Simple Joke
Eugene d'Albert (noted German composer) was married six times. At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife shortly after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who said politely, 'Congratulations, Herr d'Albert; you have rarely introduced me to so charming a wife. ' During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served. Returning for a second helping, he asked politely, 'May I have some breast?' 'Mr. Churchill, ' replied the hostess, 'in this country we ask for white meat or dark meat. ' Churchill apologized profusely. The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from her guest of honor. The accompanying card read: 'I would be most obliged if you would pin this on your white meat. ' Sentenced to two years hard labor (for Sodomy), Oscar Wilde stood handcuffed in driving rain waiting for transport to prison. 'If this is the way Queen Victoria treats her prisoners, ' he remarked, ' she doesn't deserve to have any. ' James McNeill Whistler's (painter of 'Whistler's Mother') failure in his West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to remark in later life, 'If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a major general. ' German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, complained, 'Only one man ever understood me. ' He fell silent for a while and then added, 'And he didn't understand me. ' Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly pointed out of the car window and said, ' That is the most frightening sight I have ever seen. ' His companion was surprised to see nothing more alarming than a priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand on the child's shoulder. 'Run, little boy, ' cried Hitchcock, leaning out of the car. 'Run for your life!' Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the Senate, got on better with the House of Representatives. A popular story circulating during his presidency concerned the night he was roused by his wife crying, 'Wake up! I think there are burglars in the house. ' 'No, no, my dear, ' said the president sleepily, 'in the Senate maybe, but not in the House. ' Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in vain to claim a rebate. His numerous letters and queries remained unanswered. Eventually the form for the next year's return arrived. In the section marked 'DEDUCTIONS, ' Rogers listed: 'Bad debt, US Government -- $'40
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Computer Joke
I've been on my computer all night! Don't you think you'd be more comfortable on a bed like everyone else?
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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