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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of comedy training and other funny jokes |
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Political Joke
Back when Bill Clinton and Hillary got married Bill told her, 'There's one thing I want you to know. There's a box under my bed, and I don't want you to look in it until I die. ' Hillary agreed to this but, over the years, the curiosity got the better of her, and she finally looked in it. She found three beer cans and 1. 5 million dollars in cash. When she asked Bill what the beer cans were for, he replied, 'Well, those are for all the times I've cheated on you. ' Hillary said, 'Well, that's not bad after all these years, and you being a politician, and traveling and all. ' She was about to leave, but then she said, 'Hey, Bill, what about the 1. 5 million dollars?' Bill replied, 'That's for all the times the box got full and I had to cash the cans in. '
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Simple Joke
Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
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Food and Drink Joke
How do you make gold soup? Put 14 carrots in it.
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Space Joke
Why don't astronauts keep their jobs very long? Because as soon as they start they get fired.
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Bar Joke , beer, booze and fun!
Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. 'I'll bet you $10 he'll jump, ' said the first guy. 'Bet you $10 he won't, ' said the second guy. Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money. 'I can't take your money, ' said the first guy. 'I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news. ' 'No, no. Take it, ' said the second guy. 'I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!'
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Joke for Speeches
A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car followed by a large cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, and rang the door bell. A farmer appeared. The man, somewhat nervously said, 'I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him'. 'Suit yourself, ' the farmer replied, 'the hens are round the back. '
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Fun Joke
Start asking her questions (don't mistakenly do anything) about cooking, cleaning, and laundry. Say, 'I think it's time I learn to take care of myself. You know, just in case. ' Volunteer to cook for her. Make sure it's real greasy. Use every pot and pan in the house and be sure you spill and/or drop some of everything everywhere. While brushing your teeth, flick the toothbrush first at the sink and then at the mirror. Never ask her to get you something from the kitchen when she's in the kitchen. Let her spend a good 30 minutes in there and when she reaches the sofa with a sigh of relief say, 'Will you PLEASE do me a big favor and get me a beer, my back is just killing me today. Be sure to load up all your pockets with tissues before you drop them in the clothes hamper. Leave yourself a trail of clothing, towels, dishes, and everything else you put your hands on. This will ensure you never lose your way. Wait until she's overwhelmed with work (Weekly Opportunity) lean in close and say, 'Did you see how dusty the leaves on your house plants are?' Put on a TV program and them pretend to keep falling asleep. Wake up each time she tries to change the channel and say, 'Quit it, you know how much I looked forward to watching this. Don't be so selfish. ' Wait until she is totally engrossed in a movie then tell her something is bugging you and you really need to talk about it. Be sure it's as stupid, boring, and long winded as you can make it. Wait until she's finally lost a few pounds on that diet. Start having uncontrollable urges for her favorite sin foods. (Most effective between 8-10 PM) When she repeatedly declines, stick it in her face anyway and say, 'Oh, stop it! A little ________ isn't going to hurt you. ' Continue until all weight is regained. Then ask, 'Hey, you've been on that diet a long time now, how much have you lost?' Keep calling her at work to find out what time she plans to get home and what she plans to make for dinner. Make sure your just not in the mood for whatever she's making. When the opportunity arises be sure to cut the grass in your brand new white sneakers. When you retrieve your clothes from the closet leave the hanger in place and pull on the clothing until the hanger is mangled enough to allow the article to slip off. Tell her something for the first time and act shocked that she didn't know about it. Pout and exclaim, 'And you have the nerve to say I never listen to YOU. ' When you know she's grocery shopping, disappear! Come home just in time to watch her carry the last bag in. Grab the receipt and say, 'I'll get the rest of it for you dear. ' Feign suprise when she says that's it. End with, 'This is all you got for how much?' On the odd occasion you actually clean up a disgusting mess you made, use the best towels in the house. As your stomach grows just wear your pants lower and flop it over the waistband. Than brag that unlike your wife, you still wear the same size you did when you got married. Wait until the night before you go on vacation and say, 'Hon, you know the underwear and socks you packed for me? Well the elastic is shot and I need new ones. ' Always leave the shower head at just the right angle to hit her in the face with that jet of cold water when she turns it on. When doing filthy jobs around the house be sure to wear your good clothes. Harass her into telling people a story and proceed to interrupt every other sentence with , No that's not what. . Whenever something is ready to break make sure your wife is the next to use it. When it breaks, look at her and say, 'What the hell did you do. I never had a problem with it. ' Whenever the dog, cat, or the kids are being cute they're yours. When they need something, they're hers.
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Animal Joke
Having detailed the concept of attitude control, there is another method which you may prefer. For reasons that will become apparent, it is recommended for those pilots whose airplanes have large, easily cleaned cabins. Known as the 'Cat and Duck Method' of instrument flight, it has received much publicity and is considered to have a great deal of merit by those who have not tried it. No reports have been received from those who did try it, and none are expected. Pilots are invited to assess its merits objectively. Basic rules for the C&D Method of instrument flight are fairly well known and are extremely simple. Here's how it's done:1. Place a live cat on the cockpit floor; because a cat always remains upright. It can be used in lieu of a needle and ball. Merely watch to see which way the cat leans to determine if a wing is low and if so, which one. 2. The duck is used for instrument approach and landing. Because of the fact that any sensible duck will refuse to fly under instrument conditions, it is only necessary to hurl your duck out of the plane and follow it to the ground. There are some limitations to the Cat and Duck Method, but by rigidly adhering to the following checklist, a degree of success will be achieved which will surely startle you, your passengers, and even an occasional tower operator. 1. Get a wide-awake cat. Most cats do not want to stand up at all. It may be necessary to carry a large dog in the cockpit to keep the cat at attention. 2. Make sure your cat is clean. Dirty cats will spend all their time washing. Trying to follow a washing cat usually results in a tight snap roll followed by an inverted spin. 3. Use old cats only. Young cats have nine lives, but old, used-up cats with only one life left have just as much to lose as you do and will be more dependable. 4. Beware of cowardly ducks. If the duck discovers that you are using the cat to stay upright, it will refuse to leave without the cat. Ducks are no better in IFR conditions than you are. 5. Be sure the duck has good eyesight. Nearsighted ducks sometimes fail to realize that they are on the gauges and go flogging off in the nearest hill. Very nearsighted ducks will not realize that they have been thrown out and will descend to the ground in a sitting position. This maneuver is difficult to follow in an airplane. 6. Use land-loving ducks. It is very discouraging to break out and find yourself on final for a rice paddy, particularly if there are duck hunters around. Duck hunters suffer from temporary insanity while sitting in freezing weather in the blinds and will shoot at anything that flies. 7. Choose your duck carefully. It is easy to confuse ducks with geese because many water birds look alike. While they are very competent instrument flyers, geese seldom want to go in the same direction as you. Source:GSP Digest #279 September '16
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
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