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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
website. Some jokes however were severely tortured in an effort to make
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of comedy tour tickets and other funny jokes |
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Time Joke
Why do people beat their clocks? To kill time.
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Fishing Joke
Which fish dresses the best? The Swordfish - It always looks sharp!
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Free Adult Joke
He demonstrates that beauty times brains is a constant. He donated his brain to science but they made an early withdrawal. He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. He knows computers. . . He's not fit for contact with humans. He writes blank checks on a closed account. He'd be in big trouble if his wristwatch broke and he had to He'd screw up a two-car funeral procession. He's a General Protection Fault trigger. He's a man on a mission, but can't find his dossier. He's diagnosable. He's not a complete idiot -- some parts are missing. He's not stupid he's possessed by a retarded ghost. He's so dense, light bends around him. He's so dense, the Titanic wouldn't sink in his head. Hears everything that a dog can. Hears more lyrics on records when they're played backwards. Her access time approaches infinity. Her ancestors came to this country looking for bananas. Her blender doesn't go past 'mix'. Her brain has a corrupted filesystem / someone needs to run fsck on her brain. Her brain is more like a Rube Goldberg device than a computer. Her cache is incoherent. Her dentist went deaf from the drill's echoes. Her dialing thumb must be broken. Her ears serve the same function as holes in a dribble glass. Her files are compressed 100%. Her head needs a periodic whack on the side. Her input pipe is broken. Her interrupt handler hit a loop. Her leads need resoldering.
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Business Joke
Top economist Valentine's Day cards4. You raise my interest rate thirty basis points without a corresponding dropoff in consumer enthusiasm. 3. Let's raise housing starts together. 2. You stoke the animal spirits of my market. 1. Despite your decade of inflation, I still love you.
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Math Joke
A math student and a computer science student are jogging together in a park when they hear a voice: 'Please, help me!'
They stop and look. The voice belongs to a frog sitting in the grass.
'Please, help me!' the frog repeats. 'I'm not really a frog: I'm an enchanted, beautiful princess. Kiss me, and the spell will be broken - and I will be yours forever. . . '
The CS student picks up the frog and examines it carefully from all sides - making not even an attempt to kiss it.
'You don't have to marry me', the frog continues frantically, 'if you're afraid of the commitment. I'll do whatever you wish me to do if you just kiss me. . . '
The frog's voice is silenced, when the CS student puts the animal into the right pocket of his pants.
'But why don't you kiss her?!' the math student asks.
'You know', the CS student replies, 'I simply don't have time for a girlfriend - but a frog that talks makes a really cool pet. . . '
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Satire Joke
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. If at first you don't succeed, don't try again: quit. No use being a complete fool about it. If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights. It doesn't matter what you do; it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
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Blonde Joke - 3
Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch? A: To turn the blinker off.
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Sporting Joke
Whats the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes, whack!. . . 'damn!' And a skydiver goes, 'damn!'. . . whack!
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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