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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of comedy theatre london and other funny jokes |
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Bumper Stickers - 5
Live as long as you like. It won't shorten how long you're dead.
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Blonde Joke - 3
Q: Why will a blonde laugh at a joke three times? A: Once when you tell it, once when you tell her the punchline, and once when she gets it.
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Situations Humor
A man let out a humongous burp. Nearby, a man loudly says, 'How dare you burp before my wife!' The burper replies, 'Hell, I didn't even know she wanted to go first!'
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Travel and tourist Joke
There was some mix-up with a woman's room. The clerk (or whatever they are called on ships) was trying to remedy the situation. He asked, 'Would you like an inside cabin or an outside cabin?' She replied, 'Well, it looks like it might rain today. I'd better get an inside cabin. '
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Bumper Stickers - 6
My wife said if I watch one more Yankees game she is leaving. God I'll miss her.
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Rabbit Joke
What do you call it when one rabbit challenges another rabbit to hop across a forty-yard canyon? A hare dare.
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Computers Joke
The Story of Micro and MiniMicro was a real-time operator and dedicated multi-user. His broad-bandprotocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output devices, even if it meant time-sharing. One evening he arrived home, just as the Sun was crashing and had parked hisMotorola 6800 in the main drive (he missed the 5100 bus that morning ), whenhe noticed an elegant piece of hardware escorting her daisy wheels in hisgarden. He thought to himself, 'She looks user-friendly, ' 'I'll see if she'dlike an update tonight. 'Mini was her name, and she was delightfull, engineered with eyes like COBOL anda Prime mainframe architecture that set Micro's peripherals networking all overthe place. He browsed over to her casually, admiring the power of her twin 32 bit floatingpoint processors and inquired 'How are you Honey Well?. ' 'Yes I am well, ' sheresponded, batting her optical fibres engagingly and smoothing her console overher curvilinear functions. Micro settled for a straight line approximation. 'I'm stand-alone tonight, ' hesaid, 'How about computing a vector to my base address?' 'I will cut out a byteto eat, and maybe we could get an offset later on. 'Mini ran a priority process for 2. 6 milliseconds then transmitted OK. 'I'vebeen dumped myself recently, and a new page is just what I need to refresh mydisks. I'll park my machine cycle in your background and meet you inside. Shewalked off, leaving Micro admiring her solenoids and thinking, 'Wow, what aglobal variable, I wonder if she'd like my firmware?. 'They sat down at the process table to a top of form feed of fiche and chips anda bucket of bawdots. Mini was in conversational mode and expanded on ambiguousarguments while Micro gave occasional acknowlegments, although, in reality, hewas analyzing the shortest and least critical path to her entry point. Hefinally settled on the old 'would you like to see my benchmark subroutine?' butMini was again one step ahead. Suddenly she was up and stripping off her parity bits to reveal the fullfunctionality of her operating software. 'Let's get Basic, you RAM, ' she said. Micro was loaded by this stage, but his hardware polling module had a processorof it's own and was in danger of overflowing its output buffer (a hang-up thatMicro had consulted his analyst about). 'Core, ' was all he could say, as sheprepared to log him off. Micro soon recovered, however, when he went down on the DEC and opened herdevice files to reveal her data set ready. He accessed his fully packed rootdevice and was about to start pushing her CPU stack, when she attempted anescape sequence . . . . 'No, No' she cried, 'You are not shielded. ''Reset, Baby, ' he replied, 'I've been debugged. ''But I haven't got my current loop enabled, and I can't support childprocesses, ' she protested. 'Don't run away, ' he said, 'I will generate an interrupt. ''No that's too error prone, and I can't abort because of my design philosophy. 'Micro was locked in by this stage though, and could not be turned off. But Minisoon stopped his thrashing by introducing a voltage spike into his main supply, whereupon he fell over with a head crash and went to sleep. 'Computers, ' She thought as she compiled herself, 'All they ever think of isHEX. '
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Joke for Kids
Pillsbury Dough Boy wanted for attempted murderA lady named Linda went to Arkansas last week to visit her in-laws, and while there, went to a store. She parked next to a car with a womansitting in it, her eyes closed and hands behind her head, apparentlysleeping. When Linda came out a while later, she again saw the woman, her hands still behind her head but with her eyes open. The woman looked very strange, so Linda tapped on the window and said, 'Are you okay?' The woman answered, 'I've been shot in the head, and Iam holding my brains in. 'Linda didn't know what to do, so she ran into the store, where storeworkers called the paramedics. They had to break into the car becausethe door was locked. When they got in, they found that the woman hadbread dough on the back of her head and in her hands. A Pillsbury biscuit cannister had exploded, apparently from the heatin the car, making a loud explosion like that of a gunshot, and hit herin the head. When she reached back to find what it was, she felt thedough and thought it was her brains. She passed out from fright atfirst, then attempted to hold her brains in.
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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