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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of comedy surrey and other funny jokes |
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Practical Joke
by : Tina Mancuso and Paul Coen 10. Watch the bag fill. 9. Hyperventilate. 8. Pull the tube out of the bag and drink from it. 7. Race to see who fills their bag first (requires two or more people). 6. Puncture the bag near the top and see whether they pull the needle out of your arm before the blood squirts out. 5. While they're not looking, substitute a bag of orange liquid and complain they gave you too much Tang. 4. Insist that you want to give 2 pints. 3. Faint. 2. Tell them you saw the bag twitch. 1. Yell, 'Hey, you used that needle on the last guy!'
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Computer Joke
A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Branch Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do? 'I know, ' said the Branch Manager, 'Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way. ' 'No, no, ' said the Hardware Engineer, 'That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time a t all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way. ' 'Well, ' said the Software Engineer, 'Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again. '
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Joke for Kids
Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. Even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was quite a spiritual person. Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath. He became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
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Animal Joke
A man goes into a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says 'You can't bring that dog in here!' The guy, without missing a beat, says 'This is my seeing-eye dog. ' 'Oh man, ' the bartender says, 'I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me. ' The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door. Another guy walks into the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says 'You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog. ' The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says 'Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!'The second man replies 'This is my seeing-eye dog. ' The bartender says, 'No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs. ' The man pauses for a half-second and replies 'What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?'
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Funny College Joke
People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the ark. The preacher says, 'I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering' and five guys stand up. The restrooms are outside. Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday. A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because 'It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of. ' When it rains, everyone is smiling. Prayers regarding the weather are standard practice. The choir group is known as the 'OK Chorale'. The pastor wears boots. Four generations of the same family sit together in worship. There is no such thing as a 'secret' sin. Baptism is referred to as 'branding'. There is a special fund raiser for a new septic tank. Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable. High notes on the organ can set the dogs to howling. People wonder, when Jesus fed 5000 whether the two fish were bass or catfish. People think 'rapture' is when you lift something too heavy. The final words of the benediction are, 'Ya'll come back now, ya hear?'
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Bumper Stickers - 7
WARNING: mental backup in progress.
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Situation Joke
Mike Mooney, a Yankee was driving through the south when he decided he wanted to buy a pig. He stopped at a pig farm and told the farmer he wanted to buy a 100 pound pig. The farmer nodded, walked out into the sty, bent over and picked up a pig by its tail with his teeth. The farmer said, 'This one will go a little over a 100'. Astonished the Yankee said, 'Who are you trying to fool? You can't weigh a pig that way'. The farmer laughed and called to his young son, 'Boy, come over here and weigh that pig for this man'. The boy obliged by bending over and picking up the pig by its tail with his teeth. Turning to his father the boy said, ' This here pig weighs about 100 pounds'. The Yankee was having no part of this so in order to convince him the farmer told his son to go to the house and get his mother so she could weigh the pig. After a short delay the son returned and said, 'Ma says she will be right down after she's finished weighing the mailman'.
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Children Joke
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later: 'Da-ad. . . ' 'What?' 'I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?''No. You had your chance. Lights out. 'Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad. . . ' 'WHAT?' 'I'm THIRSTY. . . Can I have a drink of water??' 'I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!'Five minutes later. . . 'Daaaa-aaaad. . . ' 'WHAT??!!' 'When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?'
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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