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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
website. Some jokes however were severely tortured in an effort to make
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of comedy shows and other funny jokes |
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Doctor Joke
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, 'How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?'A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, 'A basketball coach?'
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Funny Joke Online
If ya really want that new job, you may want to avoid saying these:'You could do worse. ' 'I'll work so hard you won't even know I'm there. ' 'I'll need all my paid vacation time up front so I'll be rested when I start. ' 'You can't turn me down because I smell bad. You have to have a reason. ' 'If you call the people I listed as references, please call my parole officer last. ' 'That big thing growing on my face isn't my fault. ' 'I don't do drugs at work any more. And I probably won't' 'I can go all day without peeing once. ' 'If you hired my dumbass brother then you can surely hire me. ' 'If you hire me I promise not to say anything about the your wicked bad breath. ' 'I won't sue you when you fire me. ' 'My arrest record is all a bunch of lies. ' 'Iff you kin reed my handriting, ain't that gud enuff fer me to get the job? 'I was a sniper in the Army. ' 'The only reason my grades in High School was so bad was because all the teachers thought I was stupid because I didn't pass the tests. They wasn't being fair to me because they don't like me. ' 'I can make explosives from Windex, white-out, and copy machine toner. ' 'If you hire me you can blow your nose on my sleeve any time you want to. ' 'I'll need a company car and a driver because I can't legally drive anywhere in the Western Hemisphere except Cuba and it sucks to go there. ' 'If you hire me don't tell the Welfare until I get my Jeep paid off. ' 'The sticky stuff on my sleeve isn't what you think. ' 'You don't have the BALLS to hire someone like me!' 'If you hire me I will show up. That's all I can promise for sure, but maybe it will be better than that and I will sure try. ' 'When do we eat?' 'How long do I have to work here before I can collect unemployment again?' 'Don't go checking into my record, but if you do, she swore she was18. ' 'I don't hear the voices anymore. Do not. Do not. Do not. SHUT UP!!!' 'If you give me a job you're OK but if you don't you suck. ' 'I don't DO applications. ' 'If I work here I'll wear the stupid uniform as long as I can wear any kind of underwear I want. ' 'This will be my first job since the Beatles broke up because they really pissed me off!' 'I won't have to do anything, will I' 'If I get sick on the job, will I have to clean up my own puke?' 'Can I bring my goat to the company daycare center?' 'I collect guns. You probably want to tell me that I got the job now, right?' 'I'm not what? Oh yeah? Well here's what you can do with your friggin' job. . . '
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Best Joke
A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the road and told the blonde to stand in the circle and not move. He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, 'Oh, you think that's funny? Watch this. ' He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down. 'What's so funny?' The truck driver asked the blonde. She replied, 'When you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle 4 times. '
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Stupid Blonde Joke
A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her 'go do something to prove them wrong! Why don't you learn all the state capitals or something?' The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying. The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims, 'I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!' The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her. He says 'Okay, what's the Capital of Montana?' The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, 'That's easy! It's M!'
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Movie and TV Joke
Q: How many Agents does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Actually, agents will screw in just about anything.
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Bumper Stickers - 5
Lord save me from your followers.
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Funny Men Joke
What a woman says: 'This place is a mess C'mon, you and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor, and you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do laundry right now!'What a man hears: blah, blah, blah, blah, C'mon blah, blah, blah, blah, you and I blah, blah, blah, blah, on the floor blah, blah, blah, blah, no clothes blah, blah, blah, blah, right now !
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Dumb Blonde Joke
The complaint letter from Judi:We blonds at the ofise are tired of all the the dum stoopid jokes about us. We think this is hairassment. It causes us grate stress and makes our roots turn dark. We have hired a loyer and he is talking to the loyers at Clairol. We will take this all the way to the supream cort if we have two. Juj Thomas knos all about hairassment and he will be on are side. We have also talked to the govner to make a new law to stop this pursicushun. We want a law that makes peepol tell brewnet jokes as much as blond jokes and every so often a red head joke. If we don't get our way we will not date anybody that ain't blond and we will make up jokes about you and we will laff. Sined by the blonds at the ofise (sine with a penseel so you can erace it if you make a mistake)
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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