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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
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pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of comedy of terrors and other funny jokes |
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Music Joke
Q: What's the definition of a gentleman? A: One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!
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Mixed Joke
These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say. . . 'IT'S A GUY THING'Translated:* 'There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical. ''CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?'Translated:* 'Why isn't it already on the table?''UH HUH, ' 'SURE, HONEY, ' OR 'YES, DEAR'Translated:* Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response. 'IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN'Translated:* 'I have no idea how it works. ''TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD. 'Translated:* 'I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner. ''THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR. 'Translated:* 'Are you still talking?''YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS. 'Translated:* 'I remember the theme song to 'F Troop, ' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every carI've ever owned. . . but I forgot your birthday. ''OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL. 'Translated:* 'I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt. ''HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING. 'Translated:* 'And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon. ''I CAN'T FIND IT. 'Translated:* 'It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless. ''WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?'Translated:* 'What did you catch me at?''I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE. 'Translated:* 'No one will ever see us alive again. ''WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK. 'Translated:* 'I make the messes; she cleans them up. '
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Dirty Joke
Q: What's the definition of a teenager? A: God's punishment for enjoying sex.
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Apple Joke
Two boys were eating a snack lunch in the school yard. One had an apple and the other said, 'Watch out for worms won't you!' The first one replied, 'Why should I? They can watch out for themselves. '
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Ethnic Humor
An old Indian lined up all of his 10 little Indian sons and stood in front of them. He then asked, 'Who push port-a-potty over cliff?' Nobody answered him. He then asked again, 'Who push port-a-potty over cliff?' Again nobody answered. The old Indian said, 'I tell story of Georgie and Georgie father. Georgie chop down cherry tree. Georgie tell truth, Big Georgie no punish. ' So the Indian asked again, 'Who push port-a-potty over cliff?' To which the littlest Indian replied, 'I push port-a-potty over cliff. ' The old Indian then shakes and spanks him, for his punishment. When he is done, the little Indian asks, 'Georgie tell truth, Georgie no get punish. I tell truth, I get punished. Why you punish, father?' The old Indian replied, 'Big Georgie not in cherry tree when it got chopped down!!!'
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Funny Famous Joke
*** Actual 'bloopers' Doctor's have written on patient charts. ***1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. 2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely. 3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. 4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993. 5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. 6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission. 7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful. 8. The patient refused an autopsy. 9. The patient has no past history of suicides. 10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital. 11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. 12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. 13. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up. 14. She is numb from her toes down. 15. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home. 16. The skin was moist and dry. 17. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. 18. Patient was alert and unresponsive. 19. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. 20. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce. 21. I saw your patient today, who is still under our Car for physical therapy. 22. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead. 23. Skin: Somewhat pale but present. 24. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree. 25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
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Horse Joke
What did the wife say to the undertaker when he started hitting his broken down car? Stop beating a dead hearse!
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Children Joke
A young girl is with her dad at the barbers eating somecandy, when it slips from her fingers into a pile of hairon the floor. 'Oh dear, have you got hair on your candy?' asked the barber. 'Don't be so stupid, I'm only three!!' said the girl!
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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