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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of comedy nights london and other funny jokes |
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Business Joke
Economics is ruining your life when. . . - I tried to calculate my 3 year old son's discount rate by seeing how many sweets he would require to be promised to him after dinner to be equivalent to one sweet before dinner - I spent one hour in a toy shop making up over 20 bundles of toys that could be purchased for $25 and then asked my son to select one of these bundles
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Dumb Blonde Joke
This guy and a blonde are making out feverishly in the front seat ofhis car. After an hour or so, he whispers in her ear, 'Do you wantto move to the back seat?'She replies, 'NO!' Flabbergasted, he says, 'Why Not?'To which she replies, 'Well, I want to stay up here with you. It'dbe lonely back there!'
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Law Enforcement Joke
Two Alabama State Troopers were chasing a Camaro East on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly. The rookie Trooper pulled in behind him and said, 'Hey, sarge, why did you stop?' The sarge replied, 'He's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him. '
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Top 100 Joke
Here's a sure-fire set of tests to check your parenting abilitites. This is about as close as you can get to the real deal! :)MESS TEST - Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer. TOY TEST - Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night. GROCERY STORE TEST - Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage. DRESSING TEST - Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside. FEEDING TEST - Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now, dump the contents of the jug on the floor. NIGHT TEST - Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00pm, begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00am. Set alarm for 5:00 am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful. INGENUITY TEST - Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. AUTOMOBILE TEST - Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There! Perfect. PHYSICAL TEST (Women) - Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans. PHYSICAL TEST (Men) - Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time. FINAL ASSIGNMENT - Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers!
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Celebrities Joke
What's the first problem the MJ's child will have in life? Figuring out which parent is his mother.
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At Work Joke
Despite his best sales pitch, a life-insurance salesmanwas unable to get a couple to sign up for a policy. 'I certainly don't want to frighten you into a decision, 'he announced, standing up to leave . . . 'Please sleep on it tonight, and if you wake up in themorning, let me know what you think. '
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Situation Joke
Stolen Car A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, 'Can I help you, sir?' 'Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!' the man replies. The cop asks, 'Where was your car the last time you saw it?' 'It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!' the man replies, logically, if a bit too literally. About this time the cop looks down to see that the man's member is being exhibited for all the world to see. He asks the man, 'Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?' The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans 'OHHH GOD . . . they got my girlfriend too!!!'
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Bumper Stickers - 5
It's easier to child-proof your gun than to bullet-proof your child.
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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