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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of comedy glasses and other funny jokes |
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Funniest Joke
What do u call a black priest?Holy shit!!
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Computer Joke
Have you been spending more and more time using the Internet? Have your cheeks taken on that pasty white glow from over-exposure to your computer monitor? How do you know if you're addicted to the Net and losing touch with reality? Take the Net Addict's Reality Test. Answer the following multiple choice questions and check out your score to see if you should be concerned:What do you think are good names for children?a) Scott and Jenny. b) Bill Gates IV. c) Mozilla and Dotcom. What's a telephone?a) A thing with a round dial you use to talk to others. b) A telecommunications device with 12 keys. c) Something you plug into a modem. Which punctuation is most correct?a) I had a wonderful day!b) I had a **wonderful** day!!!c) I had a wonderful day :-) You wake up at 4:00 a. m. and decide to:a) Visit the washroom. b) Raid the fridge. c) Check your E-mail. What are RAM and ROM?a) A male sheep and a city in Italy. b) Hulking stars of the WWF. c) I need more of the former and should upgrade the latter. To avoid a virus you should:a) Stay away from people who sneeze and cough. b) Never read E-mail titled 'Good Times'. c) Use virus scanning software every time you boot up. When you want to buy something hard-to-find you:a) Ask friends where to purchase it. b) Check out the Yellow Pages. c) Go to Yahoo! When you don't understand how to use a new appliance you:a) Call the retailer. b) Call the manufacturer's toll-free number. c) Visit the manufacturer's Web site and look for the FAQ. When you want to see all the beautiful people you:a) Visit a club on a Saturday night. b) Turn on the TV and tune in to Baywatch. c) Check out the alt. binary newsgroups. How do you introduce yourself at a party?a) Hi, I'm Jane!b) Hi, I'm a Taurus on the cusp. c) Hi, I'm a 5'10' hot blonde with a super bod. When you're interested in someone at a party you say:a) Tell me more about yourself. b) What's your star sign?c) What's your Profile? If you really like the person, you say:a) Could you tell me your phone number?b) What's your E-mail address?c) Let's chat Private. When I say spam, you think:a) Ham in a can. b) Unsolicited advertising E-mail. c) I mailbomb all spammers! When you receive an AOL trial diskette, you say:a) I don't need another mug coaster. b) Great! I'll reformat and use it for backups. c) Great! I'll sign up under a fake ID and use up the 50 hours. When you want to research a reference you:a) Open up a volume of your encyclopedia. b) Slip Encarta in your CD-ROM drive. c) Go to www. altavista. digital. com. When you write a letter you:a) Put pencil to paper. b) Open Eudora. c) Ask: What's a letter? Is it like E-mail? Different types of text formatting include:a) Writing and printing. b) Underline and double-strike. c) Bold and italic. You correct errors using:a) An eraser. b) White-out. c) Backspace or delete. You sign your name:a) Best regards, John Smith. b) See you in IRC, John_Smith. c) Check out my home page for the cool links, johnsmith@aol. com. To keep a copy of your letter you:a) Insert a carbon and a second sheet. b) Take it to the photocopier. c) Check your Sent Mail folder. SCORING:Give yourself zero points for each 'a' response, five for each 'b' and 10 for each 'c'. If you scored 150 or higher, unplug your computer and log more hours in real life. If you scored between 50 and '145
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Real Life Joke
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. One student fell into a cycle of classes, studying, working and sleeping. Didn't realize how long he had neglected writing home until he received the following note:'Dear Son, Your mother and I enjoyed your last letter. Of course, we were much younger then, and more impressionable. Love, Dad. '
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Baby Joke
Q: What's brown and in a baby's diaper? A: Michael Jackson's hand !!
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Miscellaneous Joke
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations. 2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store. 3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day. 4. Start playing Calvin ball; see how many people you can get to join in. 5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners. 6. Challenge other customers to deuls with tubes of gift wrap. 7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters. 8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit. 9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially down thin narrow aisles. 10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, 'I think we've got a code 3 in Housewares, ' and see what happens. 11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volume up to 10! 12. Play with the automatic doors. 13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, 'Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!. . . ' etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrasment. 14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, 'Who BUYS this crap anyway?' 15. Repeat number 14 in the jewelry department. 16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a test drive. 17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about 5 feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department. 18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field. 19. As the cashier runs your purchase over the scanner, look mesmorized and say, 'Wow, Magic!'20. Put M&M's on layaway. 21. Move 'Caution: Wet FLoor' signs to carpeted areas. 22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows form bed and bath. 23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can 'catch' from the other aisles. 24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Puopon. 25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying , '. . . I'm Batman. Come, Robin- -to the Batcave!' 26. TP as much of the store as possible. 27. Randomly throw things into the neighboring aisles. 28. Play with the calculators so that they spell 'hello' upside down. 29. When some one asks you if you need help, begin to cry and ask, 'Why won't you people just leave me alone?'30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, 'Red Rover!' 31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hire employees if there are any in stock, i. e. , 'Do you have any Shnerples here?' 32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G. I. Joe vs. the X-Men. 33. Take bets on the battle described above. 34. Nonchalantly 'test' the brushes and combs in Cosmetics. 35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible. 36. Hold indoor shopping cart races. 37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from 'Mission: Impossible'38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags. 39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags. 40. Say things like, 'Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?' 41. Set up a 'Valet Parking' sign in front of the store. 42. Two words: 'Marco Polo. ' 43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc. 44. 'Re-alphebetize' the CD's in electronics. 45. In the auto department, practice your 'Madonna' look with various funnels. 46. When some one steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it wiithout saying a word. 47. Relax in the pation furniture until you get kicked out. 48. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream, 'No, no! It's those voices again!' 49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time. 50. Drag a lounge chair over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
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Farming Joke
A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast. The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads: 'WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!'He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons. The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: 'NOW THERE ARE TWO!'
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Naughty Joke
A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, 'Can I smell your pussy?' The woman looks at him in disgust and says, 'Certainly not!' 'Hmmm, ' he replies. 'It must be your feet, then. '
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Redneck Joke
You've ever done your Christmas shopping at a truck stop.
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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