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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
website. Some jokes however were severely tortured in an effort to make
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of comedy gig tickets and other funny jokes |
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Knock Knock Joke - 2
Knock Knock Who's there ! Alison ! Alison who ? Alison to my radio in the mornings !
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Clean Humor
Satan greets him: 'Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever. Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says 'I'll take this option. ' 'Fine, ' says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. 'That was Bill Gates!' cried Lucifer. 'Why did you give him the best place of all!' 'That's what everyone thinks' snickered Satan. 'The bottle has a hole in it!' 'What about the PC?' 'It's got Windows 95!' laughed Satan. 'And it's missing three keys, ' 'Which three?' 'Control, Alt and Delete. '
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Mad Joke
A bronzed, blonde male surfer type was visiting Boston to attend a friend's wedding. Sitting at the bar at the reception, sucking up his fourth beer, he caught sight of a stunning brunette, whom he had noticed earlier in the church, as she came through the door. His eyes never left her until she was seated on the other side of the bar from him. He got up, slowly walked around the bar to where she was sitting. After pausing on his approach for her to look over his magnificent tanned body, he recited one of his better lines and then bluntly asked if she wanted to 'leave this dump' and go to his hotel room to 'Ya know, get to, like, know each other better. ' She rolled her eyes in disbelief, immediately responding with, 'I'm afraid that my awareness of your proclivities regarding the esoteric aspects of sexual behavior precludes any such erotic confrontation. ' He stared blankly at her, somewhat stunned. After several seconds of embarassed silence, he finaly admitted, 'Huh? I don't get it!' 'Exactly!' she said as she got up, turned on her heel, and left, leaving him standing there in puzzlement.
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Funny Famous Joke
. . . there's a car alarm nearby that goes on for hours and the owner is nowhere to be found? . . . you buy an answering machine so you won't miss any calls, and then everyone hangs up when they hear the machine answer? . . . there's a cop car in sight and everyone thinks they have to drive 10-15 mph slower than the speed limit? . . . you're reading a magazine and all those annoying little subscription cards keep falling out? . . . you tell someone that a door is locked and they try to open it anyway, like it'll magically open for them and not you. . . . someone says, 'well, to make a long story short' and then they go on telling it for another 15 minutes. . . . a friend or family member says 'Yuck! This is awful!!' and then tells you to try some. . . . you have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just looking around. . . . you rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out. . . . a waiter or waitress is not around at any time other than right after you put food in your mouth. . . . your tire gauge lets half the air in your tire when all you want is a pressure reading. . . . there's a dog in your neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING. . . . the power goes out, and you discover every flashlight you have has dead batteries. . . . someone gets in the express lane at the supermarket and writes a check or uses a credit card. . . . the elevator stops at every floor and nobody gets on. . . . you almost ALWAYS back up your computer files but the week you don't, your hard drive crashes and you lose everything
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Fishing Joke
Do you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing every weekend? asked Jane's best friend. 'Why shouldn't I?' said Jane. 'Well, maybe he is having an affair?' 'No way' said Jane 'he never returns with any fish. . . '
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Military Joke
The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back. He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, 'I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others. '
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Mad Joke
Al Davis had put together the perfect Raiders team for '96. The only Thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, and he couldn't find a ringer quarterback that would ensure a Super Bowl win. Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. First, he threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window over 200 yards away --ka-boom! Next, he threw another hand grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away--ka-blooey!Then, a car passes going 90 miles an hour-- bulls-eye! Another grenade right into the barely open window. 'I've got to get this guy, ' Al says to himself. 'He has the perfect arm!' So he brings him to the states and teaches him the great game of football. Predictably, the young man breaks all NFL records for completed passes, accuracy and touchdowns. The Raiders go on to handily win the Super Bowl. The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of Super Bowl XXXI, and When Al asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is call his mother. Al arranges for the call and hands the phone to his young quarterback: 'Mom, ' the young man says into the receiver, 'I just won the Super Bowl!''I don't want to talk to you, ' the old woman says. 'You deserted us. You're no longer my son. ''I don't think you understand, mother' the young man pleads. 'I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm in the middle of thousands of adoring fans. ''No, let me tell you, ' the mother implores. 'At this very moment, there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their life last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight. . . . ' The old lady pauses, in tears. . . '. . . I'll never forgive you for moving us to Oakland!'
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Funny College Joke
Yo mamma's armpits are so hairy, it looks like she got Don King in a headlock!
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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