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injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of comedy gifts and other funny jokes |
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Christmas Joke - 1
Once upon a time there was a little girl who wanted a kitten for Christmas. Her mother couldn't buy a kitten and parcel it up for Christmas Day, so she bought it a week before Christmas and gave it to the little girl. 'You're getting your Christmas present a week early this year, ' her mother explained as she handed over the fluffy little tabby kitten. 'Is that what you want?' The little girl said, 'It's wonderful, mother. . . just what I wanted. There's just one thing wrong!' 'What's that?' her mother asked. 'Well, it has a cute little claw on the outside of every paw and another little claw on the inside of every paw - but the poor little thing has no claws at all in the middle of its paws!' Her mother smiled. 'Don't worry, Kitty. When you wake up on Christmas morning you'll find the claws are there. ' Now Kitty loved her kitten dearly, but she worrie d about the claws in the middle of its paws. The days passed and there wasn't even a hint, a clue or an inkling of claws in the middle of its paws. When Christmas Eve arrived and there was still no sign, Kitty went to her mother and asked again, 'Are you absolutely sure that the kitten will have its middle claws tomorrow? There's only a few hours to go and there's not a hint or clue or an inkling as to claws as far as I can see. ' 'Wait till you wake up on Christmas morning, ' her mother smiled and went on stuffing the turkey. So Kitty went to sleep a worried girl. When she woke up on Christmas morning she ignored the presents in her stocking and rushed downstairs to look at her little kitten. She was astounded, amazed and just a little surprised to see that her kitten had four claws on every paw! The middle ones had appeared as if by magic. Kitty rushed to her parent's bedroom. 'Mummy , Mummy! The kitten has grown its middle claws!' 'Of course it has, ' her mother grinned. 'But how did you know?' Kitty demanded. Her father rolled over sleepily and sighed, 'Oh, Kitty, everybody knows that Centre-claws always comes at Christmas!'
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School Joke for Kids
An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini -'I want to feel your breasts' he exclaimed. 'Get away from me, you crazy old man' she replied. 'I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars, ' he says. 'Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!''I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS' he stated. 'NO! Get away from me!''TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS' he offered. She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, 'I said NO!''FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts, ' he claimed. She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough. . . and $500 IS a lot of money. . . . 'Well, OK. . . but only for a minute. 'She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel. . . then he started saying, 'OH MY GOD. . . OH MY GOD. . . OH MY GOD. . . ' while he was caressing them. Out of curiosity, she asked him, 'Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?'While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, 'OH MY GOD. . . OH MY GOD. . . OH MY GOD. . . OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?
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Birthday Joke
What did the burglar give his wife for her birthday? A stole.
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Horse Joke
The eastern lady who was all ready to take a horseback ride said to the cowboy, 'Can you get me a nice gentle pony?' 'Shore,' said the cowboy. 'What kind of a saddle do you want, English or western?' 'What's the difference?' asked the lady. 'The western saddle has a horn on it,' said the cowboy. 'If the traffic is so thick here in the mountains that I need a horn on my saddle, I don't believe I want to ride. '
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Insect Joke
What insect lives on nothing ? A moth, because it eats holes
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Car and train Joke
What part of a car is the laziest? The wheels. They are always tired.
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Political Joke
A cargo plane is in mid-flight over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit door bursts open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a startled pilot, copilot, navigator, and a passenger. The passenger happens to be George W Bush. (Why?} Maybe, he was on his way to check on the coca plant life in South America!') The masked gunman held a gun to the pilot's head and said, 'Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place. ' The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, 'Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us. ' The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the copilot's head and said, 'Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place. ' The copilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, 'Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he could keel over at the shock of my being killed. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us. ' The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then held the gun to the navigator's head and repeated, 'Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place. ' The navigator calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, 'I wouldn't do that if I were you. Those other two guys have no sense of direction. Without me they couldn't find their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Iraq. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us. ' The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this time held the gun to the passenger's head and demanded, 'Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place. ' No one said a word, at first, then the pilot, co-pilot, and navigator all brust into laughter. 'He's George W Bush!' they laughed. 'He doesn't have any brains!'
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Bumper Stickers - 2
You'll need to know my name. You'll be screaming it later.
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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