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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
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Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of comedy club york and other funny jokes |
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Joke Online
There was a competition between a team of blondes and a team of brunettes to see who could catch the most fish icefishing. Once the contest started, it was clear that the brunettes were going to win -- they kept pulling out fish after fish. Soon, the blondes got worried and sent over one of their team to see what the brunettes were doing differently. A few minutes later, the blonde comes running back. 'A hole! You need to put a hole in the ice!'
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Math Joke
At the end of his course on mathematical methods in optimization, the professor sternly looks at his students and says: 'There is one final piece of advice I'm going to give you now: Whatever you have learned in my course - never ever try to apply it to your personal lives!'
'Why?' the students ask.
'Well, some years ago, I observed my wife preparing breakfast, and I noticed that she wasted a lot of time walking back and forth in the kitchen. So, I went to work, optimized the whole procedure, and told my wife about it. '
'And what happened?!'
'Before I applied my expert knowledge, my wife needed about half an hour to prepare breakfast for the two of us. And now, it takes me less than fifteen minutes. . . '
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Ethnic Joke - 2
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?Everyone has the same DNA.
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Computer Joke
Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up? Because DEC 25 = OCT 31
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Science Joke
New scientific theories2nd RunnerUp- The 'Why Yawning Is Contagious' Theory: You yawnto equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure changeoutside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, sothey must yawn to even it all out.
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Love and Marriage Joke
During a recent vacation in Atlantic City, a couple went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a woman from the back of the theater yelled out, 'Hey, how'd you do that?'
'I could tell you, sir', the magician answered, ' But then I'd have to kill you. '
After a short pause, she yelled back, 'Ok, then. Just tell my husband!'
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Gorilla Joke
What excuse does an Ape give for abducting a pretty girl? I can't help it - she brings out the beast in me!
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Sport Joke
Who's On First(Sketch by Bud Abbot and Lou Costello)LOU: I love baseball. When we get to St. Louis, will you tell me the guys' name on the team so when I go to see them in that St. Louis ball park I'll be able to know those fellows?BUD: All right. But you know, strange as it may seems, they give ball players nowadays very peculiar names, nick names, like 'Dizzy Dean. ' Now on the St. Louis team we have Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third --LOU: That's what I want to find out. I want you to tell me the names of the fellows on the St. Louis team. BUD: I'm telling you. Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third --LOU: You know the fellows' names?BUD: Yes. LOU: Well, then who's playin' first. BUD: YesLOU: I mean the fellow's name on first base. BUD: Who. LOU: The fellow playin' first base for St. Louis. BUD: Who. LOU: The guy on first base. BUD: Who is on first. LOU: Well, what are you askin' me for?BUD: I'm not asking you -- I'm telling you. WHO IS ON FIRST. LOU: I'm asking you -- who's on first?BUD: That's the man's name!LOU: That's who's name?BUD: Yes. LOU: Well, go ahead and tell me. BUD: Who. LOU: The guy on first. BUD: Who. LOU: The first baseman. BUD: Who is on first. LOU: Have you got a first baseman on first?BUD: Certainly. LOU: Then who's playing first?BUD: Absolutely. LOU: (pause) When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?BUD: Every dollar of it. And why not, the man's entitled to it. LOU: Who is?BUD: Yes. LOU: So who gets it?BUD: Why shouldn't he? Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it. LOU: Who's wife?BUD: Yes. After all the man earns it. LOU: Who does?BUD: Absolutely. LOU: Well all I'm trying to find out is what's the guys name on first base. BUD: Oh, no, no, What is on second base. LOU: I'm not asking you who's on second. BUD: Who's on first. LOU: That's what I'm trying to find out. BUD: Well, don't change the players around. LOU: I'm not changing nobody. BUD: Now, take it easy. LOU: What's the guy's name on first base?BUD: What's the guy's name on second base. LOU: I'm not askin' ya who's on second. BUD: Who's on first. LOU: I don't know. BUD: He's on third. We're not talking about him. LOU: How could I get on third base?BUD: You mentioned his name. LOU: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?BUD: No, Who's playing first. LOU: Stay offa first, will ya?BUD: Well what do you want me to do?LOU: Now what's the guy's name on first base?BUD: What's on second. LOU: I'm not asking ya who's on second. BUD: Who's on first. LOU: I don't know. BUD: He's on third. LOU: There I go back on third again. BUD: Well, I can't change their names. LOU: Say, will you please stay on third base. BUD: Please. Now what is it you want to know. LOU: What is the fellow's name on third base. BUD: What is the fellow's name on second base. LOU: I'm not askin' ya who's on second. BUD: Who's on first. LOU: I don't know. BUD: THIRD BASE!LOU: You got an outfield?BUD: Oh, sure. LOU: St. Louis has got a good outfield?BUD: Oh, absolutely. LOU: The left fielder's name?BUD: Why. LOU: I don't know, I just thought I'd ask. BUD: Well, I just thought I'd tell you. LOU: Them tell me who's playing left field. BUD: Who's playing first. LOU: Stay out of the infield!BUD: Don't Don't mention any names out here. LOU: I want to know what's the fellow's name on left field?BUD: What is on second. LOU: I'm not askin' ya who's on second. BUD: Who is on first. LOU: I don't know. BUD & LOU: (together and calmly) Third base. LOU: And the left fielder's name?BUD: Why. LOU: Because. BUD: Oh he's Center Field. LOU: (whimpers) Center field. BUD: Yes. LOU: Wait a minute. You got a pitcher on this team. BUD: Wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher. LOU: I don't know. Tell me the pitcher's name. BUD: Tomorrow. LOU: You don't want to tell me today?BUD: I'm tell you, man. LOU: Then go ahead. BUD: Tomorrow. LOU: What time?BUD: What time what?LOU: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching?BUD: Now listen, Who is not pitching. Who is on --LOU: I'LL BREAK YOU ARM IF YOU SAY 'WHO'S ON FIRST!'BUD: Then why come up here and ask?LOU: I want to know what's the pitcher's name. BUD: What's on second. LOU: I don't know. BUD & LOU: (VERY QUICKLY) THIRD BASE!LOU: You gotta Catcher?BUD: Yes. LOU: The Catcher's name?BUD: Today. LOU: Today. And Tomorrow's pitching. BUD: Now you've got it. LOU: That's all. St. Louis hat a couple of days on their team. BUD: Well I can't help that. LOU: You know I'm a good catcher too. BUD: I know that. LOU: I would like to play for the St. Louis team. BUD: Well I might arrange that. LOU: I would like to catch. Now I'm being a good Catcher, tomorrow's pitching on the team, and I'm catching. BUD: Yes. LOU: Tomorrow throws the ball and the guy up bunts the ball. BUD: Yes. LOU: Now when he bunts the ball -- me being a good catcher -- I want to throw the guy out a first base, so I pick up the ball and throw it to who?BUD: Now that's the first thing you've said right. LOU: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!!!!!BUD: Well, that's all you have to do. LOU: is to throw it to first base. BUD: Yes. LOU: Now who's got it?BUD: Naturally. LOU: Who has it?BUD: Naturally. LOU: Naturally. BUD: Naturally. LOU: O. K. BUD: Now you've got it. LOU: I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally. BUD: No you don't you throw the ball to first base. LOU: Then who gets it?BUD: Naturally. LOU: O. K. BUD: All right. LOU: I throw the ball to Naturally. BUD: You don't you throw it to Who. LOU: Naturally. BUD: Well, naturally. Say it that way. LOU: That's what I said. BUD: You did not. LOU: I said I'd throw the ball to Naturally. BUD: You don't. You throw it to Who. LOU: Naturally. BUD: Yes. LOU: So I throw the ball to first base and Naturally gets it. BUD: No. You throw the ball to first base--LOU: Then who gets it?BUD: Naturally. LOU: That's what I'm saying. BUD: You're not saying that. LOU: I throw the ball to Naturally. BUD: You throw it to Who!LOU: Naturally. BUD: Naturally. Well say it that way. LOU: THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING!BUD: Now don't get excited. LOU: Whose gettin excited!! I throw the ball to first base--BUD: Then Who gets it. LOU: (annoyed) HE BETTER GET IT!BUD: That's it. All right now. Take it easy. LOU: Hrmmph. BUD: Hrmmph. LOU: Now I throw the ball to first base, whoever it is grabs the ball, so the guy runs to second. BUD: Uh-huh. LOU: Who picks up the ball and throws it to what. What throws it to I don't know. I don't know throws it back to tomorrow -- a triple play. BUD: Yeah. It could be. LOU: Another guy gets up and it's a long fly ball to center. Why? I don't know, he's on third, and I don't give a darn. BUD: What did you say. LOU: I said 'I don't give a darn. 'BUD: Oh, that's our shortstop!LOU: ABBOTT!
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