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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of comedy club watford and other funny jokes |
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Worlds Best Joke
A farmer and his daughter were coming back from town with their money from some sales and a large sack of flour when all of a sudden these highway men held them up and robbed them of everything. A few minutes later the farmer exclaims, 'We're ruined, all the money's gone and there's no flour for bread!' His daughter says, 'No, papa, I hid the money in my you-know-what. ' The farmer said, 'You're a good girl, but if your mamma was here - she could have saved the sack of flour as well!'
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Animal World
A Second OpinionA man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming forhelp. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has himput his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines thestill, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that hisdog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and notwilling to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and putsthe cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body andfinally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man andsays, 'I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too. 'The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, 'I'm sorry, but the lab thinksyour dog is dead too. 'The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet andasks how much he owes. The vet answers, '$650. ''$650 to tell me my dog is dead?' exclaimed the man. . . . 'Well, ' the vet replies, 'I would only have charged you $50 formy initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scanand lab tests. '
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Bumper Stickers - 1
The road to hell is paved with democrats
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Business Joke
The farmer goes to town one day and happens to run into his old pal the tractor salesman. 'How's business?' asks the farmer. 'Not very good, I haven't sold a tractor in months, How are things on the farm?' asked the salesman. 'Well-- The other day I went out to the barn to milk that old cow I have. I started milking and she swatted me with her tail, so I tied her tail to the ceiling. I started milking again and she kicked me with her left leg so I tied that to the left side of the stall. I started milking again and she kicked me with her right leg so I tied that one to the right side of the stall. About that time my wife walked in the barn, and if you can convince her that I was just trying to milk that damn cow, I'll buy a tractor from you!!'
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Computer Joke
In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion. With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates. 'We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years,' said Gates. 'The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people. ' Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service, 'we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time' and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. 'You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution -- even reduce your time in Purgatory -- all without leaving your home. ' A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer. An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter's Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in character as Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide. Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, 'Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats,' the crowd roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained. The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key intellectual properties. 'The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures,' said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. 'You take the parting of the Red Sea -- we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene. ' But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. 'The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience,' notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind. Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church's mission is to reach 'the four corners of the earth,' echoing MICROSOFT's vision of 'a computer on every desktop and in every home'. Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired -- 'One religion, a couple of different implementations,' said Gates. The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U. S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market.
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Dirty Joke
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, 'No, no, no, ' you're gripping the club way too hard!' 'Well, what should I do?' asks the man. 'Hold the club gently, ' the pro replied, 'just like you'd hold your wife's breast. 'The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, 'No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard. ' 'What can I do?' asks the wife. 'Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis. ' The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft. 'That was great, 'the pro says. 'Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you're supposed to!' says the pro.
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Music Joke
Q: What's the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones? A: 'I didn't wake up this morning. . . '
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Bumper Stickers - 2
Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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