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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of comedy club perth and other funny jokes |
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Car and train Joke
Why did the stupid racing car driver make ten pit stops during the Grand Prix? He was asking for directions.
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Medical Joke
After a couple of years a couple wanted to have children, but nothing worked. So they went to a doctor, and got checked over. The doctor took time to reassure them. 'Don't worry, ' he said, 'Just takethis sample bottle home and do the necessary, and bring it back tomorrow. 'So he went home feeling better, and went back the next day with his littlebottle. It was empty. The doctor looked at the bottle carefully, ' Problems?' he said. 'Have I ever had problems, doc. !' the man replied. ' I went home andstraight upstairs, and worked at it for over half an hour. Both hands. Itell you doc, my hands got too sore to hold it! I had to get the wifeupstairs and she had a go. But even she, with all her experience, couldn'tdo it. ' 'So what did you do?' said the doctor. ' We had a discussion, and got the mother-in-law involved. I was sureshe'd manage it, but it was no go, even when she used her mouth. And doc, she tried with her teeth in, and her teeth out!!' 'But nothing we tried would get the top off that bloody bottle!!!!!'
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Dog Joke - 1
Q: How do you get a dog to stop barking in the back seat of a car? - A: Put him in the front seat.
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Children Joke
Q. How do you keep the neighborhood kids off your front lawn?A. You molest them!.
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Totally Weird Joke
GENERAL 1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. 3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets. 5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home. DINING OUT 1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to 'bruise' the fruit of the vine. 2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label. ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME 1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. 2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table. . . no matter how good his manners are. PERSONAL HYGIENE 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. 2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money. 3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods. DATING (Outside the Family) 1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. 2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: 'I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago. ' 3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM Others might say 'Monday. ' If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time. THEATER ETIQUETTE 1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended. 2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you. WEDDINGS 1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift. 2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot. 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance. 4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion. DRIVING ETIQUETTE 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight. 2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. 4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer. 5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
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Doctor and nurse Joke
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm God When did this start ? Well first I created the sun, then the earth
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Ethnic Joke - 1
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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Medicine Joke
A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just afterarriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phonerang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of acolleague on the other end of the line. 'We need a fourth for poker, ' said the friend. 'I'll be right over, ' whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, 'Is it serious?''Oh yes, quite serious, ' said the doctor gravely. 'In fact, three doctors are there already!'
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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