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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
website. Some jokes however were severely tortured in an effort to make
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of comedy club embankment and other funny jokes |
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Bicycle Joke
Johnny was racing around the garden on his new bicycle and called out to his mother to watch his tricks. 'Look, Mum! No hands! Look, Mum! No feet! Waaah! Look, Mum! No teeth!'
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Love and Marriage Joke
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son Bob in New York and says, ?I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are divorcing.
Forty-five years of misery is enough! I?m sick of her, and I?m sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Boston and tell her,? and then hangs up.
The son frantically calls his sister, who goes nuts upon hearing the news.
She calls her father and yells, ?You are not getting a divorce! Bob and I will be there tomorrow. Until then, don?t do a single thing, do you hear me??
The father hangs up the phone, turns to his wife, and says, ?It worked! The kids are coming for a visit, and they?re paying their own way!?
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Math Joke
How they prove that all odd integers higher than 2 are prime?
Mathematician: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, and by induction - every odd integer higher than 2 is a prime.
Physicist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is a prime,. . .
Engineer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is a prime, 11 is a prime,. . .
Programmer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 7 is a prime,. . .
Salesperson: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 -- we'll do for you the best we can,. . .
Computer Software Salesperson: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 will be prime in the next release,. . .
Biologist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 -- results have not arrived yet,. . .
Advertiser: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 11 is a prime,. . .
Lawyer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 -- there is not enough evidence to prove that it is not a prime,. . .
Accountant: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, deducing 10% tax and 5% other obligations.
Statistician: Let's try several randomly chosen numbers: 17 is a prime, 23 is a prime, 11 is a prime. . .
Professor: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, and the rest are left as an exercise for the student.
Computational linguist: 3 is an odd prime, 5 is an odd prime, 7 is an odd prime, 9 is a very odd prime,. . .
Psychologist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is a prime but tries to suppress it,. . .
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Letter Joke
What do snakes write on the bottom of their letters? With love and hisses.
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Gorilla Joke
How do you stop a thundering herd of Apes? Hold up your arm and say 'Go back, you didn't say 'May I?''
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Situations Humor
A man is walking along one day and he comes upon a ladder. Looking up, he sees that the ladder disappears into the clouds. Curious, he begins to climb. Before long, he is *in* the clouds. He looks around and sees the most horribly ugly woman he has ever seen in his life. Obese, snaggle-toothed, matted hair. . . . . She looks at him, beckons, and says, 'Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success. ' Well, having no intention of doing *anything* with this woman, the man climbs higher up the ladder. A bit further on, he comes upon a woman slightly less ugly than the woman before. Not attractive, by any means, but not repugnant. 'Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success, 'she says. Again, the man elects to continue his climb. Before long, he comes upon another woman. This one is actually attractive. Not a knock-out, but very pleasing. 'Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success. ' Well, he figures the women keep getting better and better looking as he gets higher and higher. So he decides to continue climbing. A bit farther up is the most gorgeous woman he's ever seen in his life! Miss America beautiful. In a sultry voice she says, 'Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success. ' Well, needless to say he is *very* tempted. But he just can't imagine what could top this woman, so he decides to climb higher. On the next cloud up is a horrid 500 lb man. You can see the lice in his hair, he stinks, his clothes are ratty. . . . . 'Who are you?' our climber asks in horror. Grinning a toothless grin, the man looks at him and says, 'Hi. I'm Cess.
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Cowboy Joke
What sickness do cowboys get from riding wild horses? Bronchitis (bronc-itis).
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Weirdest Joke
NICKNAMES: If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. But if Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out for a beer, they will affectionately refer to each other as LardAss, Butt-Breath, Peanut-Head and Useless. EATING OUT: When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $'20
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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