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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of comedy club dublin and other funny jokes |
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Worlds Best Joke
*** VIRUS ALERT *** If you receive an email entitled 'Fighting Canaries, ' delete it immediately. Do not open it! It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetises the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles. It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother-in-law's number. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer. It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company. Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate behind your ears. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card. It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye. It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea. It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change theinterpretations of key sentences. If the 'Badtimes' message is opened in a Windows95 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk. It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam. It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve. These are just a few signs of infection. . .
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Spoof Joke
Two nuns walk into a liquor store and one asked the clerk for the biggest bottle of Irish whisky he had. The clerk replied 'Heck no sister, you nuns and aren't supposed to drink that stuff!'The nun said 'Well my son it is not for us you see, it is for Mother Teresa, ' then the nun whispers 'She has the constipation. 'The clerk said 'Oh, in that case, it's on the house. Here's the biggest jug we have. 'The nuns thank him, bless him, and leave. A few hours later, as the clerk is leaving, he sees the same two sisters in the parking lot, rolling around and drinking the Irish whiskey. Appalled he goes over to them and says 'You ladies lied to me! You told me it was for Mother Teresa for her constipation!'One of the nuns takes another swig, looks up at him and says 'You wanna know something buddy? She sure will shit when she sees us!'
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Love and Marriage Joke
How to be a Good WifeExcerpted from a 1950's high school home economics textbookHave dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal--on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed. Prepare yourself. Take fifteen minutes to rest so that you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a life. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up the school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too. Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him; greet him with a smile and be glad to see him. Some don'ts: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing, and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind. Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and relax. Your goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.
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Religion Joke
Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Ladyof Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state ofagitation. 'Father!' she cried, 'just WAIT until you hear this!'The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, ' Now just calmdown and tell me what has you so excited?' 'Well, father' the nunbegan, 'I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and Iheard some of the older boys wagering money!''A serious infraction, indeed!' said the priest. 'But that's not what has me so excited, father' replied the nun, 'it was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had wagered on acontest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!!''What an incredible wager!' exclaimed the priest, 'What did you do?''Well, I hit the CEILING, father. ''How much did you win?'
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Priceless Joke
What does a blonde and a screen door have in common?The more you bang 'em the looser they get.
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Family Comedy Joke
Why was 6 afraid of 7?Because 7 8 9!
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Bumper Stickers - 5
Mistakes are proof that you are trying.
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Clinton Joke
Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton from a bunch of dead bodies? A: He's the stiff one.
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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