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injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of comedy clip and other funny jokes |
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Doctor and nurse Joke
How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in.
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College Humor
Why does Clinton were underwear? To keep his ankles warm!
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Situations Humor
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. 'No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes, ' he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. 'Here, ' she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. 'I found them in the hallway. ' 'Now, ' she said, 'if only I could find my gerbil. '
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Joke Online
Inventions by Blondes. . . 1. The water-proof towel2. Glow in the dark sunglasses3. Solar powered flashlights 4. Submarine screen doors 5. A book on how to read 6. Inflatable dart boards 7. A dictionary index 8. Mechanical Pencil sharpeners 9. Powdered water 10. Pedal-powered wheel chairs 11. Waterproof tea bags 12. Watermelon seed sorter13. Zero proof alcohol 14. Reuseable ice cubes 15. See-through toilet tissue16. Skinless bananas 17. Do-it-yourself road map 18. Turnip ice cream 19. Toe implants 20. An all white flag21. Rolls Royce pickup truck 22. Helicopter Ejector Seat
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Bird Joke
Why were the hens lying on their backs with their legs in the air ? Because eggs were going up !
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Dumb Blonde Joke
So there were two guys on a roof, pounding nails. One guy pounded a nail in, then picked up another. He was holding the nail upside down. He unexpectedly threw the nail away. He picked up another nail, right side up this time, and pounded this in. He eventually threw so many upside down nails away, that his friend came over. 'Eh, what you doing? How come you're throwing away all those nails?' he asked. 'Because they're upside down, ' the friend replied. The other guy looks at the friend, then, after some thought, says, 'You Idiot, save them for the ceiling!'
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Cannibal Joke
First cannibal: I don't know what to make of my husband these days. Second cannibal: How about a curry?
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Clean Joke
1. Enter the stall, shower for about 3 minutes, then scream really loudly, exclaiming, 'I didn't know I had one of THOSE!'2. Enter the stall, fully clothed. Do not undress and make sure you clothes get all wet & soapy. Complain when leaving the bathroom that your shirt tends to bleed all over. 3. Ask Scottie to beam you up. 4. Enter the stall, undress and then re-dress up as Superman. Leap out of the stall, vengefully vow to stop Lex Luthor's evil plot, then run full force into the wall. Stand up, shake your head, and proceed to take your shower. 5. Bring a bottle of fake blood or ketchup into the shower with you. Exclaim 'Ow, you know, it really hurts when you pop one of those. ' Then let the blood/ketchup seep down the drain for all to see. 6. Look over the edge to the person showering next to you, giggle, and then return to your side, whistling the tune 'It's a Small World After All. '7. Bring in a rubber chicken. Get it all soapy, then toss in into the next stall. Demand that the person in that stall returns it to you, or you will cast a voodoo curse on them. The next day, hang the chicken from the bathroom lighting fixtures by a noose and stick numerous pins and forks in it. 8. Have a seizure. Bang against the walls of the stall really hard. Try to knock them down. If anyone later asks if you are okay, just say that you had some Mexican Jumping Fava Beans and they were reacting negatively with your stomach. 9. Bring a chunk of sodium metal. Leave it in the stall for the next person showering. 10. Stand in the bathroom, waiting for would-be shower-goers. When they come in, tell them 'Not to do it' and ask them 'Not to give in to sin'. Wail mournfully when they step into the shower. 11. Initiate a war with the person in the stall next to you. Use the residue water on the floor as your battle medium, and float little battleship over to their side. If they kick them back or throw them over the edge, exclaim that you didn't know they had the power of God and sheepishly mumble prayers for the duration of your shower. 12. Bring in a fake finger. Float it down the drainage 'ditch'. Ask if someone would be so kind as to return it to you. If no one does, tell them that the finger has been sacrificed to Satan and that the shower stalls are now possessed. Hang Halloween decorations and crepe-paper ghosts from them the next day. 13. Bang your head against the stall wall, shouting 'Redrum! Redrum!' in your best groggy voice. 14. Bring a Yoo-Hoo to the shower with you. Complain about a stomachache, then moan 'Ohhhh, um, uh-oh', and pour the Yoo-Hoo down the drain 'ditch' for all to see. 15. Before you turn the shower on, make a noise like you are charging up a proton pack from Ghostbusters. Before you turn it off, ask Egon to set the trap up for you. 16. Bring a balloon into the shower. Make the balloon squeak for the duration of your bathing experience. Then pop it, and fall to the ground. 17. Bring dead fish into the shower with you. Let them float down the drainage 'ditch', complaining about the quality of water these days. 18. Hang up the names of different farm animals in the stalls. Have everyone entering the stalls join you in a rendition of 'Old McDonald Had A Farm', making the sound of their animal in the stall. 19. Turn the stall into a shrine for a pagan god. Call him Weeshy. Insist that anyone who uses that stall must tithe to receive his benefence and glory. If they don't tithe, avoid them for the rest of your life. 20. Take your shower like normal, and then begin screaming that the Communists are taking over. Bang battle sounds, including bombs, bazookas, and tanks. Towards the end, wearily declared victory. Leave wounded. 21. Levitate. If anyone complains, tell them that they are breaking your concentration and just because they have bad karma doesn't give them the right to spread it. 22. Blow bubbles. Exclaim that you are dissolving. 23. Bring in a bucket, fill it with water, and float a bar of soap in it. Charge a fee for people to see the Wicked Witch of the West bathing nude. Threaten anyone who laughs at you with flying monkeys. 24. Start singing Pavarotti really loud. In the middle, stop, stutter for a second, and then exclaim 'Ohmigosh. . . do you know what these words REALLY mean?'25. Walk in a man. Come out a woman. Complain that there are men in the bathroom. 26. Suck on the faucet head until you fill up with water. Complain that they Seven Chinese Brothers get no respect OR pretend to be a fountain. 27. Wet your head, and then sneak into a toilet stall. Flush the bowl and wait a minute. Walk out of the stall lurching, complaining about how dizzy you are. 28. Buy a bunch of those tiny animal-pills that expand into full, spongy shape when they get wet. Bring them into the shower and spill them into the ditch. Ask somebody for your pills back, and when they hand little animals, scream, slap them, and run away. 29. Make your best Psycho noise (reeEENT reeEENT. . . )30. Try to get everyone in the other stalls to sing in four-part harmony with you. If this actually works, change your voice part every three measures. 31. Role-play with the guy in the stall next to you. If he claims to have rolled a natural '20
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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