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pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of comedy acts and other funny jokes |
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Children Joke
Young Vestal was walking in his Florida backyard when an alligator bit him. 'Mama!' yelled the boy. 'A gator jus' bit off mah foot!' 'Which one?' called his mother from inside the cabin. 'How the hell should Ah know?!' he shrieked. 'They all look alike to me!'
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Weird Women Joke
This blind guy was walking pass the fish market and he said'Good morning ladies. . '
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Various animal Joke
Why did the jellyfish's wife leave him? He stung her into action.
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Mental health Joke
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man then for a women? Because when it's time to go back to childhood, a man is already there.
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Ethnical Joke
An Arab diplomat visiting the U. S. for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc. ) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed. Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water? demanded the Grand Emir. A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One, stammered the wretched Abdul, white man sit on well.
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Medical Joke
Humor story by Larry GravesWebsite: http://www. gravetimes. com/ MY TWO 'DELICATE' OPERATIONSA few years ago, I had two operations in the space of a couple of months. These were not major operations. Although for most men, I believe they would prefer triple heart bypass surgery instead. . . No man alive has ever looked forward to either of these operations. In fact, I can guarantee you the following statements have never been said by any man in existence: #1 'Oh good, today is my vasectomy!' #2 'Oh good, I'm finally getting the circumcision I've always wanted!'Yes, dear readers, 1990 was not a good year for a member of the family. My member, my private part, my willy, my manhood, my good luck charm I carry wherever I go. First I will tell you about the vasectomy. (I hope you have strong stomachs. ) Men who know I've had this delicate operation always ask me how bad it is. I tell them the truth. Except for the unbearable pain and embarrassment, it's not bad at all. The embarrassment of laying on the operating table as the doctor strolls in, so cocksure. (Pun very much intended. . . ) Let's just say, it was very uncomfortable when the doctor lifted up the blanket to look at his next job. Very perturbed, he stated 'Mr. Graves, in order to have a vasectomy, you have to have a penis. ' I assured the doctor that it was there. I pointed to the very spot it was located. The doctor sighed heavily and murmured 'I can't see dick all!' As the doctor tried to control his anger, he asked his nurse to bring in a microscope. After searching for a few minutes, he located what he believed to be my manhood (okay, boyhood. . . ) I could be imagining things but I swear I heard some discussion about contacting the Guinness Book of World Records. The operation honestly wasn't too bad. It was actually the constantlaughter during the operation which caused me the most pain. When the vasectomy was completed, I was thrown a couple of pain killers and told I could go home. Very gingerly I walked out of the hospital. My legs spread apart as far as possible as I shuffled towards the parking lot. Needless to say, everyone who saw me knew what operation I had just had. As people gawked and pointed at me, I felt like a real dick. The circumcision was basically the same, except I was knocked out for the operation. When I awoke from the operation, I felt like I was being woken up from the dead. I looked down at 'it' and noticed it was in some kind of cast. I started to have visions of girls wanting to sign my cast. Silly dreamer I am. . . Being the comedian I am, I asked the nurse if they had enlarged it for me. She stared at me in shock and said 'I don't think so. ' Another dream shattered. . . sent by Larry Graves
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Funny College Joke
-I went into your house, took a booger of the wall and yo mamma told me not to touch the family portrait. YO MAMMA'S SO FAT:-she was mistaken for god's bowling ball. -when her beeper goes off, people think she's backing up-she had to go to Sea Wo
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Bible Joke
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the follow- ing agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as 'The Lawyer', and the party of the second part, also known as 'The Light Bulb', do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i. e. , the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumina- tion of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement be- tween the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps: 1. ) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non- negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the afore- mentioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout. 2. ) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ('Receptacle'), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes. 3. ) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part('New Light Bulb'). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self- same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non- negotiable. NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as 'The Firm'.
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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