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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of cocky jokes and other funny jokes |
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Book title Joke
Adding Up by Juan & Juan
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Ethnical Joke
Facts about Americans. Did you know that . . . Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils. 21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do. Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly. 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man. 67. 5% of men were tightie whities (briefs). 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up tohigher denominations. 13% of us admit to occassionally doing our offspring's homework. 91% of us lie regularly. 27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz. 29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store. 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the highprices of snack foods. 90% believe in divine retribution. 10% believe in the 10 Commandments. 82% believe in an afterlife. 45% believe in ghosts. 13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail. 58. 4% have called into work sick when we weren't. 10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item. Over 50% believe in spanking - but only a child over 2 years old. 35% give to charity at least once a month. How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends, family, and church. 7% would murder. 69% eat the cake before the frosting. When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton. 85% of us will eat Spam this year. 70% of us drink orange juice daily. Snickers is the most popular candy. 22% of us skip lunch daily. 9% of us skip breakfast daily. 66% of us eat cereal regularly. 22% of all restaurant meals include french fries. 14% of us eat the watermelon seeds. Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side. 45% use mouthwash every day. 22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink. The typical shower is 101 degrees F. Nearly 1/3 of U. S. women color their hair. 9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery. 53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on. 58% of women paint their nails regularly. 33% of women lie about their weight. 10% of us claim to have seen a ghost. 57% have had deja vu. 49% believe in ESP. 44% have broken a bone. Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level. 14% have attended a self-help meeting. 15% regularly go to a shrink. 78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home. 30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat. 54. 2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet. 39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the host. 29% of us ignore RSVP. 71. 6% of us eavesdrop. 22% are functionally illiterate. Less than 10% are trilingual. 37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR. 53% prefer ATM machines over tellers. 56% of women do the bills in a marriage. 2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up their spouse even for a night for a million U. S. dollars. 20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life. 40% of us have had music lessons. 44% reuse tinfoil. 57% save pretty gift paper to reuse. 66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken creditfor doing it from scratch. 53% read their horoscopes regularly. 16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men). 59% of us say we're average-looking. Blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful. 90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us. 53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers. 51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity. On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year. 20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends. 2 out of 5 have married their first love. The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money. Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand. 1 in 5 men proposed on his knees. 6% propose over the phone. 71% can drive a stick-shift car. 45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit. 2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light. 1/3 of us don't wear seat belts. 12% of men never use their car blinkers. 44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them. 25% of us drive after we've been drinking. 4 out of 5 sing in the car.
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Pig Joke
Why did the pig join the Army? He heard the food was a mess.
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Old Age Joke
An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him: 'I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?'Patient: 'Well, give me the bad news first. 'Doctor: 'You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left. 'Patient: 'OH NO! That's awefull! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this???'Doctor: 'You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you. '
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Funny Famous Joke
Q : What's the difference between Malaysia & the US?A : US's got Bill Clinton, Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Stevie Wonder; Malaysia's got Mahathir, no cash, no hope and bloody wonder!
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Joke for Halloween
Things Men Should 'Never' Say After Sex:1) 'I was kidding about being sterile, you know. '2) 'Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?'3) 'How come it's so BIG in there?'4) 'You've done this with a lotta guys before---right?'5) 'Next time I come over, don't bother with the underwear, OK?'6) (Sniff, sniff) 'Is that CAT food?'7) (Yelling) 'OK guys, it's a wrap, cut, and print it!!'8) 'You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!'9) 'My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better. '10)'Do you know what a 'douche' is?'11)'Maybe if you did some pushups, your boobs would grow. '12)'I want you to try some of MY deodorant. '13)'I'm not into relationships. Can't we just screw, like every Tuesday night or something?'14)'Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!'15)'I never saw a girl with hairy tits before !'16)'I've been getting these little blisters lately-------'17)'You wanna do those dishes before you leave?'18)'You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in there!'
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Assorted Joke
*** These are actual excuse notes teachers have received, spelling mistakes included. ***My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P. E. today. Please execute him. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. '28
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Top 100 Joke
Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country. Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family. A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms. Dinner Special -- Turkey $2. 35 Chicken or Beef $2. 25 Children $2. 00. For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory. Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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