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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of clean lawyer jokes and other funny jokes |
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Ethnic Joke - 2
Q: What do you call Italian women in a sauna? A: Gorillas In The Mist!
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School Joke
My son, Mitchell, a kindergartener, practices spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: 'cat,' 'dog,' 'dad,' and 'mom' have been proudly displayed for all to see.
One morning while getting ready for the day, Mitchell bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D. 'Look what I spelled, Mom!' Mitch exclaimed, a proud smile on his face.
'That's wonderful!' I said. 'Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight. ' That Christian education is certainly having an impact, I thought, happily.
Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen.
'Mom? How do you spell 'zilla?''
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Stupid Blonde Joke
NEVER let a blonde have a coffee break . . .
It takes too long to retrain her afterwards!
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Bible Joke
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river. ' With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river. ' And then finally, he said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river. ' He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, 'For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: 'Shall We Gather at the River. '
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Doctor and nurse Joke
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a vampire. Necks please!
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Worlds Best Joke
Bachelor: 1) A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable. 2) A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free. 3) A man who every morning comes to work from a different direction. 4) A man who never makes the same mistake once. 5) A nice guy who has cheated some nice girl out of her alimony. 6) A person who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit. 7) A selfish guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce. . 8) The only man who has never told his wife a lie. Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. Cad: A man who doesn't tell his wife that he's sterile until she's pregnant. Childish game: One at which your spouse beats you. Compromise: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way. Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat. Engagement: A call to arms; hence as day follows night, divorce is disarmament. Gentleman: 1) A husband who steadies the stepladder so that his wife will not fall while she paints the ceiling. 2) A man who, when his wife drops her knitting, kicks it over to her so that she can easily pick it up. Grand Slam Event: The honeymoon. Housework: What the wife does that nobody notices until she doesn't do it. Husband: 1) A man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until December 24 to do his Christmas shopping. 2) A man who gives up privileges he never realized he had. 3) A man who stands by his wife in troubles she'd never have had if she didn't marry him. 4) A person who thinks he is the boss of the house, but in reality, houses the boss. 5) A person who is the boss of his house and has his wife's permission to say so. Joint Checking Account: A handly little device which permits your wife to beat you to the draw. Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage. Marital Freedom: The liberty that allows a husband to do exactly that which his wife pleases. Matrimony: A knot tied by a preacher, but untied by a lawyer. Miss: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market. Mistress: Something between a mister and a mattress. Mother-in-law: A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers. Mrs. : A job title involving heavy duties, light earnings, and no recognition. Nuns: Women who marry god. If they divorce Him, do they get half the universe?Old Maid: A critical reflection on every bachelor. Sex drive: A physical craving that begins in adolescence and ends at marriage. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. Spinster: A bachelor's wife. Spouse: Someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single in the first place. Visionary: Marrying a man with intentions of changing and reforming him. Wedding Ring: The world's smallest handcuffs. Wedlock: The deep, deep peace of the double bed after the hurly-burly of the chaise-lounge. Wife: 1) A mate who is forever complaining about not having anything to wear at the very same time that she complains about not having enough room in the closet. 2) The perfect acquisition for any gentleman feeling himself to have excessive control over his personal affairs. Widow: A woman who can find no fault with her husband. Widowhood: The only compensation some women get out of a marriage.
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Joke for Holidays
There was once this guy and a girl in a car, parked neatly on Makeout Ridge, and they were, well, doing the obvious. So, here they were, naked as jay birds, when the guy suddenly says: 'I need a cigarette. ''But honey, ' his lover says. 'The store closes in two minutes. You'll never have time to get to the store, and get dressed. ''That's okay, ' He quips. 'I'll just run down there naked, and if anyone sees me, I'll pretend I'm a statue. 'So the young man ran down to the store, got two packs of cigarettes (this store was obviously in a heavy nudist area or something), and starts to run back. The car is in sight, and he has a few more yards to go, when all of the sudden three nuns round the corner. He panics, and freezes like a statue, his beloved cigarettes in one hand. The first nun walks over to the young man. 'Oh! What a beautiful cigarette dispenser!' She exclaimed. She sticks a quarter up his ass, pulls on his dong, and he drops a pack of cigarettes in utter disbelief. The second nun strolls over. 'What an interesting cigarette dispenser! I must try it, too. ' She sticks a quarter up the young man's ass, chokes his chicken, and he drops the other pack of cigarettes. The third nun was the unimpressed sort. She strode up, stuck a quarter up the young man's ass, and yanked his monkey. Nothing happened. She pulled on his Element of Adam again. Nothing happened. She tried third time, and her eyes widened with sudden realization and surprise. 'Oh, I get it! A lotion dispenser!'
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Best Joke
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: 'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general. . . and all in the name of humor!' The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, 'You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!'
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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