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Simple Joke
Multi-national personnel at North Atlantic Treaty Organization headquartersnear Paris found English to be an easy language . . . until they tried topronounce it. To help them discard an array of accents, the verses belowwere devised. After trying them, a Frenchman said he'd prefer six monthsat hard labor to reading six lines aloud. Try them yourself. ENGLISH IS TOUGH STUFF======================Dearest creature in creation, Study English pronunciation. I will teach you in my verseSounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse. I will keep you, Suzy, busy, Make your head with heat grow dizzy. Tear in eye, your dress will tear. So shall I! Oh hear my prayer. Just compare heart, beard, and heard, Dies and diet, lord and word, Sword and sward, retain and Britain. (Mind the latter, how it's written. )Now I surely will not plague youWith such words as plaque and ague. But be careful how you speak:Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;Cloven, oven, how and low, Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe. Hear me say, devoid of trickery, Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore, Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles, Exiles, similes, and reviles;Scholar, vicar, and cigar, Solar, mica, war and far;One, anemone, Balmoral, Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;Gertrude, German, wind and mind, Scene, Melpomene, mankind. Billet does not rhyme with ballet, Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet. Blood and flood are not like food, Nor is mould like should and would. Viscous, viscount, load and broad, Toward, to forward, to reward. And your pronunciation's OKWhen you correctly say croquet, Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve, Friend and fiend, alive and live. Ivy, privy, famous; clamourAnd enamour rhyme with hammer. River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb, Doll and roll and some and home. Stranger does not rhyme with anger, Neither does devour with clangour. Souls but foul, haunt but aunt, Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant, Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger, And then singer, ginger, linger, Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge, Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age. Query does not rhyme with very, Nor does fury sound like bury. Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth. Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath. Though the differences seem little, We say actual but victual. Refer does not rhyme with deafer. Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer. Mint, pint, senate and sedate;Dull, bull, and George ate late. Scenic, Arabic, Pacific, Science, conscience, scientific. Liberty, library, heave and heaven, Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven. We say hallowed, but allowed, People, leopard, towed, but vowed. Mark the differences, moreover, Between mover, cover, clover;Leeches, breeches, wise, precise, Chalice, but police and lice;Camel, constable, unstable, Principle, disciple, label. Petal, panel, and canal, Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal. Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair, Senator, spectator, mayor. Tour, but our and succour, four. Gas, alas, and Arkansas. Sea, idea, Korea, area, Psalm, Maria, but malaria. Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean. Doctrine, turpentine, marine. Compare alien with Italian, Dandelion and battalion. Sally with ally, yea, ye, Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key. Say aver, but ever, fever, Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver. Heron, granary, canary. Crevice and device and aerie. Face, but preface, not efface. Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass. Large, but target, gin, give, verging, Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging. Ear, but earn and wear and tearDo not rhyme with here but ere. Seven is right, but so is even, Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen, Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk, Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work. Pronunciation -- think of Psyche!Is a paling stout and spikey?Won't it make you lose your wits, Writing groats and saying grits?It's a dark abyss or tunnel:Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale, Islington and Isle of Wight, Housewife, verdict and indict. Finally, which rhymes with enough --Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?Hiccough has the sound of cup. My advice is to give up!!!
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Just for Laughs Joke
Q: What does a blonde owl say?A: What, what?
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Stupid Men
What do you call a man with an IQ of 50?
Gifted.
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Romance Joke
One day a guy and a girl were making out in the guy's car in the girl's driveway. They began to get pretty hot and heavy when the guy reached into his pants and placed his cock in her hand. She froze, jumped up and said, 'I've got two words for you, DROP DEAD!'Then he said, 'I've got two words for you, LET GO!'.
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Naughty Joke
A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses heron the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, 'Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you. 'To which the wife responds, 'He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey, I love you, too. '
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Sport Joke
Our team is doing so badly that 'Manager of the Month' isn't an award. It's an appointment! Did you hear about the football team who ate too much pudding?They got jellygated! Which insect didn't play well in goal?The fumble bee! What did the bumble bee striker say?Hive scored! What is black and white and black and white and black and white?A Newcastle fan rolling down a hill! What are Brazilian fans called?Brazil nuts! Why did a footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch?He was the skipper! How do hens encourage their football teams?They egg them on!
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Political Joke
A reporter cornered George W. Bush at a press conference: 'Many say the only reason why you would be elected for President is due to the enormous power and influence of your father. ''That notion is ridiculous!' mocked George Jr. 'It doesn't matter how powerful the man is. He can only vote once!'
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Bumper Stickers - 7
WATCH OUT! COMING THROUGH!
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