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injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of clapham grand comedy and other funny jokes |
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Computers Joke
Is Windows a Virus?No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses (viri?) do:1. They replicate quickly -- okay, Windows does that. 2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so -- okay, Windows does that. 3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk -- okay, Windows does that, too. 4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh. . . Windows does that, too. 5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too. Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. So, Windows is *not* a virus.
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Idiot and fool Joke
A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's 'zero-tolerance' policy. . . not to be confused with the 'zero-intelligence' policy.
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Funny Kids Joke
What do you call the story of The Three Little Pigs?A pigtail!Where do cows go on a Saturday night?To the moo-vies!If you had fifteen cows and five goats what would you have?Plenty of milk!Why did the baby turkey bolt down his food?Because he was a little gobbler!Why did the starstruck chicken cross the road?To see Gregory Peck!What kind of tie does a pig wear?Pig's tie!What is another name for a cow?A lawn-mooer!Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?Because she was afraid someone would caesar!What do you call a pig thief?A hamburglar!
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Dentist Joke
What did the werewolf eat after he'd had his teeth taken out? The dentist.
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Kids Puns
There was a farmer. He had alot of chickens but had no roosters. So in order to get eggs he went and got a rooster. The man he got the rooster form told him that the rooster would screw everything in sight. But the farmer wanted the rooster anyway. So he took it home and it screwed all the chickens. After a while it started screwing all the other farm animals. So one day the farmer walked up to the rooster and said, 'Ya better stop screwing everything or you will screw yourself to death!' But the rooster just kept on screwing. One day the farmer was walking through the field, and he found the rooster laying on the ground with buzzards flying all around. So he walked up to the rooster and said, 'I told you you'd screw yourself to death!' then the rooster opened his eyes and said, - 'SHUT-UP! I'm trying to get them to land!'
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Joke for Kids
A Polak saw a priest walking down the street. Noticing his collar, he stopped him and said, 'Excuse me, but why are you wearing your shirt backwards?'The priest laughed, 'Because, my son, I am a Father!'The Polak scratched his head. 'But I am a father too, and I don't wear my shirt backwards!'Again the priest laughed. 'But I am a Father of thousands!'To which the Polak replied, 'Well then you should wear your shorts backwards!'
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Bumper Stickers - 4
I Used To Have A Handle On Life, But It Broke.
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Firefighter Joke
A fire chief died and went to heaven. When he got there he saw a long line waiting to get in to the pearly gates. He told himself, 'I'm a fire chief, I'm not going to wait in line. ' He went to the angels guarding the gates and said, 'Let me in. I'm a fire chief. ' The angels replied, 'You'll have to wait in line like everyone else, sir. ' While waiting at the back of the line he saw a sedan pull up with red lights and a man got out wearing a white helmet that said 'CHIEF'. The angels popped to attention and let the chief enter heaven. The waiting fire chief was pissed and went to talk to the angels. He asked, 'Why did you let that fire chief go through and not me?' To which the angels replied, 'You have it all wrong, sir. That's God, he just thinks he's a Fire Chief. '
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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