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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
website. Some jokes however were severely tortured in an effort to make
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of citv fun and games and other funny jokes |
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Law Enforcement Joke
A cop was interrogating a very intoxicated Irishman, who was also severly bleeding. The officer asked, 'Can you describe the person who did this to you?'The Irishman replied, 'That's what I was doing when he hit me. '
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Animal Joke
The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. 'I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I've seen it on T. V. 'He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin. The lion's team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeast, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six. Unfortunately, they lacked a placekicker, and the score remained 6 - 0. Late in the first half the lion's team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point. The lion's team led at halftime 7 - 6. In the locker room, the lion gave a peptalk. 'Look you guys. We can win this game. We've got the lead and they only have one real threat. We've got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he's a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino. 'The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino's team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running. First, he stomped two gazelles. He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he was home free. Suddenly at the twenty yard line, he dropped over dead. There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede. 'Did you do this?' he asked the centipede. 'Yeah, I did. ' the centipede replied. The lion retorted, 'Where were you during the first half?''I was putting on my shoes. '
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Politics Humor
In a survey of American women, when asked, 'Would you sleep with President Clinton?' 86% replied, 'Not again'
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Sporting Joke
A local community club was organizing a baseball team. They could only muster eight players, and were hard put to find a ninth. In desperation, they called on a new member, a very reserved Englishman who had just moved into the neighborhood from London, to join their team. During their first game, the Englishman came to bat. On the very first pitch, he knocked the ball out of the park. The team members stood there, dumfounded. Unfortunately, so did the Englishman. 'Run!' his teammates cried. 'For Pete's sake, run!' The Brit turned and stared at them icily. 'I jolly well shan't run,' he replied. 'I'm perfectly willing to buy you chaps another ball. '
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Mother Joke
I remember when my son was about 18 months old - I had him strapped in a backpack and was rushing to catch a bus. Apparently I misstepped and fell down an entire flight of stairs, (17 to be exact). I was bruised, bleeding and I had torn my jeans. . . but my main concern was, naturally for my child.
My fears were alleviated though when from behind me I heard a gleeful giggle followed by, 'Again!'
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Joke of the Day
A man dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter asks him what religion he belongs to. The man tells him and Saint Peter says 'oh, we have a lot of your kind here. In fact, we have a special room for all of you so you can all be together!'He leads the man down a long hallway with doors on either side. They pass one door and they hear a bunch of yelling and hollering inside. 'Who's in that room?' the man asks. 'Oh, those are the holy rollers, ' says Saint Peter. 'They make a lot of noise but they're pretty harmless'. They pass by another door which is nearly shaking off its hinges. 'Who's in there?' the man asks. 'That's the room for the Shakers' replies Saint Peter. Then they approach another door. Saint Peter whispers to the man, 'we must be very quiet going past this door. Don't make a sound. 'They tiptoe past the door and when they get farther down the hallway the man asks Saint Peter who was in that room. 'Oh, those are the Catholics. They think they're the only ones up here!'
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Best Joke
An old woman saved a Fairy's life. To repay this, the Fairy promised to grant the old woman three wishes. For the first wish, the old lady asked to become young and beautiful. Poof! She became young and beautiful. For the second wish, the old lady asked to be richest woman in the world. 'Poof! She was the richest woman in the world. For the last wish, she pointed at the cat she had kept for years. She asked that he be turned into the most handsome man on earth. After all, he had been her best friend for so many years. Poof! The Fairy turned the cat into the most handsome man on earth. The old lady and the Fairy said their goodbyes. After the Fairy left, the handsome man (old cat) strolled over to her and asked, 'Now aren't you sorry you had me neutered?!!!'
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Bar Joke - 2
In Canada we have two Seasons. . . six months of winter and six monthsof poor snowmobiling.
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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