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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of christmas fun stuff and other funny jokes |
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Ethnic Joke - 1
O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. 'Please, God, ' he implored, 'let it be blood!'
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Dirty Joke
A man walked into an appliance store and asked the price of a 25' remote controlled color television set. 'One dollar, ' the clerk replied. 'You've got to be kidding. ' 'Look, Mac, ' the clerk said, 'do you want it or not?' Of course, the customer gave him a dollar. On the way out with his incredible bargain, the suctomer saw a big frost-free refrigerator with automatic ice maker. 'How much for that?' he asked the clerk. 'Fifty cents, ' came the reply. The customer forked over the half dollar, saying, 'What the heck is going on here?' 'Nothing is goining on here, ' the clerk snapped. 'But my boss is at my house with my wife. And what he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business. '
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At Work Joke
Calling in Sick. . . . A Cat Owner's Story Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable because no matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating to reveal. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown. In this case, the truth hurt. I mean it really hurt in the place men feel the most pain. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. As the daily routine prescribes, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife call out to me from the kitchen. 'Ed!' she hearkened. 'The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it. ' 'You know where the button is. ' I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). 'Reset it yourself!' 'I am scared!' She pleaded. 'What if it starts going and sucks me in?' Pause. 'C'mon, it'll only take a second. ' No logical assurance about how a disposal can't start itself will calm the fears of a person who suffers from 'Big-ol-scary-machinephobia, ' a condition brought on by watching too many Stephen King movies. It is futile to argue or explain, kind of like Lloyd Bentsen telling Americans they are over-taxed. And if a poltergeist did, in fact, possess the disposal, and she was ground into round, I'd have to live with that the rest of my life. So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence but it was I who would suffer. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She ('Buttons' aka 'the Grater') had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well-trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step procedure. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome; men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option. Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter. My wife told me I should be flattered. At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. 'What's the matter, cat got your tongue?' If they had only known.
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Clinton Joke
Q: Did you hear they put two new faces on Mt. Rushmore? A: Yeah, they were Bill Clinton.
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Bar Joke - 2
'Hard drive' -- Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer. 'Keyboard' ---- Place to hang your truck keys. 'Window' ------ Place in the truck to hang your guns. 'Floppy' ------ When you run out of Polygrip. 'Modem' ------- How you got rid of your dandelions. 'ROM' --------- Delicious when you mix it with coca cola. 'Byte' -------- First word in a kiss-off phrase. 'Reboot' ------ What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff. 'Network' ----- Activity meant to provide bait for your trot line. 'Mouse' ------- Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case. 'LAN'-------- To borrow as in, 'Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck. ''Cursor' ------ What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend. 'bit' --------- A wager as in, 'I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways. ''digital control' -- What yore fingers do on the TV remote. 'packet' ------ What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.
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Joke for Halloween
1. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape. 2. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room. 3. When you hear the toilet flush and the words, 'Uh-oh, ' it's already too late. 4. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. 5. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies. 6. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes. 7. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep. 8. Some things will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old that you'd imagine would remain in him or her. 9. Super glue is forever. 10. McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know. 11. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. 12. Pool filters do not like Jell-O. 13. VCR's do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. 14. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. 15. The fire department has at least a 5 minute response time. 16. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. 17. It will however make cats dizzy. 18. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
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Aviation Joke
A man jumps out of an airplane with a parachute on his back. As he's falling, he realizes hiss chute is broken. He doesn't know anything about parachutes, but as the earth rapidly approaches, he realizes his options are limited; he takes off the parachute and tries to fix it himself on the way down. The wind is ripping past his face, he's dropping like a rock, and at 5000 feet, another man goes shooting up past him. In desperation, the man with the chute looks up and yells, 'Hey do you know anything about parachutes?!'The guy flying up looks down and yells, 'No, do you know anything about gas stoves?!'
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Bumper Stickers - 4
I Wish I Was Barbie. That Bitch has EVERYTHING.
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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