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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of christmas email jokes and other funny jokes |
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Celebrities Joke
Who's got long blonde hair and big tits, and lives in Melbourne, Australia? Salman Rushdie.
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Music Joke
Q: What is the difference between a cello and a coffin? A: The coffin has the corpse on the inside.
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Free Adult Joke
Y. O. D. A (To the Village People's 'Y. M. C. A')(As sung by master Yoda, on meeting Luke Skywalker). YOUNG MAN, I saw your ship come down. I saidYOUNG MAN, now it's muddy and brown. I saidYOUNG MAN, put your weapon away, 'cause I*MEAN* *YOU* *NO* *HARM* *I* *SAY*YOUNG MAN, There's no need to feel fear. I amWONDERIN
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Bible Joke
Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, 'Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?''I think so, ' the man replied. 'My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests. ''I don't mean that, ' the priest responded. 'I mean, are you preparedspiritually?''Oh, sure, ' came the reply. 'I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey. '
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Joke for Holidays
Thoughts From Women About Being A WomanThe hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. * Helen Hayes (at 73)I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrow. * Janette BarberThings are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. * Lily TomlinA male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. * Carrie SnowOld age ain't no place for sissies. * Bette DavisIf you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. * Catherine AirdA man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't. * Rhonda HansomeThe phrase 'working mother' is redundant. * Jane SellmanWhatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. * Charlotte WhittonThirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. * Caryn LeschenWhoever thought up the word 'Mammogram'? Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone. * Jan KingI try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. * Jennifer UnlimitedWhen I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow!* Kathy BuckleyI'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb and I'm also not blonde. * Dolly PartonYou see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. * Erica JongIf high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. * Sue GraftonLaugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends. * Laurie KuslanskyI think - therefore I'm single. * Lizz WinsteadYou know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a woman? It's plucking your eyebrows. That's how I originally got pierced ears. * Geri JewellWhen women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. * Elayne BooslerBehind every successful man is a surprised woman. * Maryon PearsonIn politics, if you want anything said, ask a man - if you want anything done, ask a woman. * Margaret ThatcherI have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. * Gloria SteinemI never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home who answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late every night. * Marie CorelliIf men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?* Linda EllerbeeNobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. * Eleanor Roosevelt
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Mother Joke
1. So this isn't Home Sweet Home . . . Adjust!
2. Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!
3. Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!
4. I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.
5. If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
6. I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!
7. My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
8. I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
9. If you don't like my standards of cooking . . . lower your standards.
10. Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down, converse.
11. It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even worse.
12. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
13. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand!
14. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
15. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
16. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
17. My next house will have no kitchen . . . just vending machines.
18. I'd live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump.
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Medical Joke
'Mr. Chilton, ' the analyst said, 'I think this will be your last visit. ''Does that mean I'm cured?' he asked. 'For all practical purposes, yes, ' she said. 'I think we can safely say that your kleptomania is now under control. You haven't stolen anything in two years, and you seem to know where the kleptomania came from. ''Well, that's terrific, Doctor. Before I go, I'd like to tell you something. Although our relationship is strictly professional, it's been one of the most rewarding of my life. I wish I could do something to repay you for helping me. ''You've paid my fee, ' the doctor said. 'That's the only responsibility you have. ''I know, ' Chilton said. 'But isn't there some personal favor I could do for you?''Well, ' the doctor said, 'I'll tell you what. If you ever suffer a relapse, my son could use a nice portable color television. '
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Miscellaneous Joke
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letterfrom his mother asking him to send her a current photoof himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to lether know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts aphoto in half and sends her the top part. Later he receives another letter asking him to send apicture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picturein half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of thephoto. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent thewrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother'seyesight is, and hopes she won't notice. A few weekslater he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, 'Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style. . . itmakes your nose look short!'
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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