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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of childrens fun stickers and other funny jokes |
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Very Silly Joke
Two americans were walking through Leicester but couldn't agree on how to pronounce it so they decided to stop for lunch and ask the waitress. They sat down to eat their lunch and called the waitress over:'Can you tell us where we are please but say it slowly', to which the waiteress replied 'Bur-ger Ki-ng'
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Easy to Remember Joke
There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this 'unusual' handicap, he was very self-conscious about his having no ears. Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own a business. So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last question for this first candidate was 'Do you notice anything unusual about me?' The guy said, 'Now that you mention it, you have no ears. ' The man got really upset and threw the guy out. The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, 'Do you notice anything unusual about me?'The guy also noticed, 'Yes, you have no ears. ' The man was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out. Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, 'Do you notice anything unusual about me?'The guy replied 'Yeah, I bet you are wearing contact lenses. 'Surprised, the man then asked, 'Wow! That's quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?' The guy burst out laughing and said you can't wear glasses if you don't have any ears!
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Priceless Joke
Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray my penis I will keep, And if I wake and it is gone, I hope to find it on the lawn. I hope the dog that's running free, Doesn't see that little part of me, Many precautions I must take, To keep this part I love to shake. Much attention I must pay, To assure I put the knives away, The mower, chain saw, the hatchet too, Why there's no telling what she'd do. To rid me of my manly charm, I must keep it safe, away from harm, So I cross my fingers, as I close my eyes, and I cross my legs to avoid surprise!
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Foreigners Joke
A 10pm curfew was imposed in BelfastEverybody had to be off the streets or risk being shot. However one citizen was shot at 9. 45pm. 'Why did you do that?' the soldier was asked by his superior officer. 'I know where he lives, ' he replied, 'and he wouldn't have made it. '
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Miscellaneous Joke
A depressed young blonde was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, 'Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day. ' Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, 'I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy. ' The girl nodded 'yes. ' After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. 'What are you doing here?' the Captain asked. 'I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, ' the blonde explained. 'He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me. ' 'He sure is, lady. . . This is the Staten Island Ferry!'
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Dog Joke - 1
A man took his dog to the vets and asked the vet to completely remove the dogs tail. The vet confused said 'Why do you want me to do that? the dogs tail is perfectly healthy. ' The man replied 'Well the wifes mother comes this weekend and I want to make sure there are no signs of any welcome!!'
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Bird Joke
Why did the owl, owl ? Because the woodpecker would peck 'er !
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Computing Joke
My Dear Husband, I am sending you this letter via this BBS communications thing, so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO. The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project, all the figures were good, and the back of your head is very realistic. You should be very proud of him. Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jenny, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out. I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, and discovered that it really is more fun! George, I mean, Mr. Wilson, the department head, has taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all. I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you didn't mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring; I'm sure you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you wouldn't be disturbed. Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle George--err--Mr. Wilson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away, she'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to your desk, just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer will have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jenny and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting. Love, Your Wife
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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