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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of chic murray jokes and other funny jokes |
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Beauty Joke
Mrs Saggy: Mrs Wrinkly tried to have a facelift last week. Mrs Baggy: Tried to? Mrs Saggy: Yes, they couldn't find a crane strong enough to lift her face!
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Animal Joke
A lady was expecting the plumber; he was supposed to come at ten o'clock. Ten o'clock came and went; no plumber; eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock, one o'clock; no plumber. She concluded he wasn't coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber arrived. He knocked on the door; the lady's parrot, who was at home in a cage by the door, said, 'Who is it?'He replied, 'It's the plumber. 'He thought it was the lady who'd said, 'Who is it?' and waited for her to come and let him in. When this didn't happen he knocked again, and again the parrot said, 'Who is it?'He said, 'It's the plumber!'He waited, and again the lady didn't come to let him in. He knocked again, and again the parrot said, 'Who is it?'He said, 'It's the plumber!!!!!!!!'Again he waited; again she didn't come; again he knocked; again the parrot said, 'Who is it?'; 'Aarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!!' he said, flying into a rage; he pushed the door in and ripped it off its hinges. He suffered a heart attack and he fell dead in the doorway. The lady came home from her errands, only to see the door ripped off its hinges and a corpse lying in the doorway, 'A dead body!' she exclaimed, 'Who is it?!'The parrot said, 'It's the plumber. '
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Idiot and fool Joke
A man went into a pet shop to buy a parrot. He was shown an especially fine one which he liked the look of, but he was puzzled by the two strings which were tied to its feet. 'What are they for?' he asked the pet shop manager. 'Ah well, sir, ' came the reply, 'That's a very unusual feature of this particular parrot. You see, he's a trained parrot, sir, he used to be in the circus. If you pull the string on his left foot he says 'Hello' and if you pull the string on his left foot he says 'Goodbye'. ' 'And what happens if you pull both strings at once?' 'I fall off my perch, you fool!' screeched the parrot.
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Military Joke
The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, 'Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?' The young man looks at him and says, 'I'm a pilot!' The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, 'Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!' The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, 'What s kills to you bring to the Air Force?' The young man says, 'I chop wood!' 'Son, ' the general replies, 'we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?' 'I chop wood!' 'Young man, ' huffs the general, 'you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!' 'Well, ' the young man says, 'you hired my brother!' 'Of course we did, ' says the general, 'he's a pilot!' The young man rolls his eyes and says, 'So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!'
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Funny College Joke
You Just Might Be A Redneck If. . . You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. Jack Daniels makes your list of 'Most Admired People. ' You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, 'Hey, y'all watch this!'You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl. ' You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare. You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, 'Gentlemen, start your engines. 'The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it. One of your kids was born on a pool table. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it. You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. Your school fight song is 'Dueling Banjos. ' Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
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Redneck Joke
What's the difference between an epileptic oyster fisherman, and a hooker with diahrrea? Well, one shucks between fits. What's the difference between a nun and a fat lady? One's tryin to diet, and the other's dyin to try it. . .
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Sports Humor
What do the Pope and the Giants have in common?Both cram '30
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Horse Joke
You said this horse could jump as high as a ten foot fence and he can't jump at all. Well neither can a fence!
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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