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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
website. Some jokes however were severely tortured in an effort to make
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of canary wharf comedy club and other funny jokes |
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Free Adult Joke
Exclamations: 'Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!' 'Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit. ' Threats: 'I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outtastyle. ' 'This'll jar your preserves. ' 'Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!' Good Things/Compliments: 'Cute as a sack full of puppies. ' 'If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it. ' 'Gooder than grits. ' The Weather: 'It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs. ' 'It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch. ' Wintry roads are said to be 'slicker than otter snot. ' Descriptions: A bothersome person is 'like a booger that you can't thump off. ' When something is bad then you say, 'that ain't no count. ' If something is hard to do, it's 'like trying to herd cats. ' 'He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin. ' A hectic schedule keeps you 'Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor. ' Insults: 'She's uglier than homemade soap. ' 'Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said 'To be continued. '' 'He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. ' 'Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits. ' 'The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead' Any insulting statement is always followed by 'bless his/her heart. ' Example: 'She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart. '
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Bumper Stickers - 2
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
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Easy to Remember Joke
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary. 'Let's have a party, Homer, ' she suggested. 'Let's kill a pig. ' The farmer scratched his grizzled head. 'Gee, Ethel, ' he finally answered, 'I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago. '
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Mouse Joke
When should a mouse carry an umbrella ? When it's raining cats and dogs !
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Animal World
How to Hunt Elephants -- QA StyleQuality assurance inspectors ignore the elephants and lookfor mistakes the other hunters made when they were packingthe jeep.
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Police Joke
A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife. You just won't believe what happened this evening , in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it. Oh yes dear, what happened ? I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them? Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off.
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Marriage Joke
Honey, said this husband to his wife, 'I invited a friend home for supper. ' 'What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking fancy meal!' 'I know all that. ' 'Then why did you invite a friend for supper?' 'Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married. '
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Music Joke
Q: Why are violas so large? A: It is an optical illusion. It's not that the violas are large, just that the viola player's heads are so small.
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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