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pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of boston comedy and other funny jokes |
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At Work Joke
The hotel Astor had hired a new bus driver and instructed him to meet all incoming trains and announce at the depot in a very loud voice, 'Free bus to the hotel Astor!' On the way to the station on his first trip her kept repeating to himself, 'Free bus to the hotel Astor, Free bus to the hotel Astor, ' until he memorized it letter perfect. Upon his arrival at the station, however, he became confused at all the noise and hub bub and started shouting as follows. 'Free hotel at the bust your Astor, I mean, Free ass at the Hotel Bastard, I mean, Freeze your ass at the Hotel Buster, I mean Squeeze your bust at the Hotel Faster, I mean, Bust your ass at the Hotel Freezer, Oh shit. . . take a cab. '
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Silliest Joke
A man finds a lamp and decides to rub the dust off. Then, you guessed it, a Genie appears. The Genie tells the man he will grant him three wishes, but everything the man gets, his mother-in-law gets twice. The man's first wish is for 10 million dollars. The Genie reminds the man that his mother-in-law will get 20 million dollars. The man says, 'that's ok. 'The man's next wish is for a house by the sea. Once again, the Genie reminds the man that his mother-in-law will get two houses by the sea; once again, the man says, 'that's okay. 'The man's last wish is to be beaten half to death!
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Dumb Joke
What is a computer's first sign of old age? Loss of memory. What does a baby computer call his father? Data. What is an astronaut's favorite key on a computer keyboard? The space bar. What happened when the computer fell on the floor? It slipped a disk. Why was there a bug in the computer? It was looking for a byte to eat. What is a computer virus? A terminal illness. To err is human, but to really mess things up requires a computer. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. My computer isn't that nervous. It's just a bit ANSI. The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.
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Law Enforcement Joke
Two Alabama State Troopers were chasing a Camaro East on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly. The rookie Trooper pulled in behind him and said, 'Hey, sarge, why did you stop?'The sarge replied, 'He's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him. '
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Sport Joke
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, 'You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree. ' With that chal lenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, 'Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall. '
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Old People Joke
There was an old man whose family could no longer afford to take care of him. So the family decided that a nusring for the aged would be appropriate.
Of course the old man rejected the idea, but no sooner he was convinced that it was the right thing to do. On his first day at the home, he spent most of his time laying in bed reflecting on life, feeling lonely. A while later, an orderly stopped by to seee how the old man's first day was going.
'How you doing today?', she said to the old man, 'First day I see'. The Old man replied with a nod.
In no time the two began talking up a storm. As the conversation began to drag on, the orderly was eyeing the room filled with fresh flowers, cards and balloons from friends and relatives. She noticed a bowl full of peanuts sitting on top of the table next to the bed, and help herself to a handful.
As the two continued to converse with each other, the orderly kept eating more helpings of the peanuts. She look at her watch and noticed that nearly 2 hours had passed and said, 'My goodness, the time has gone by quickly. I have to tend to other people here too. ' 'That's okay. ', said the old man, 'I feel so much better being able to talk to someone. ' Looking into the bowl the orderly said, 'I feel awful! I ate almost all of your peanuts!' The old man responded, 'That's okay. Ever since I got these false teeth, all I could do was suck the chocolate off of them anyhow. '
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Election Joke
A man dies, and he's looking in the gates of hell.
There he sees John Kennedy with an incredibly ugly girl. The man turns to the Devil and asks why John Kennedy is with this hideous looking person. The Devil replies, 'Well, John has done some bad things in his life and that's his punishment. '
The man looks around a little more and sees Bill Clinton with a beautiful model. The stunned guy asks 'What's Bill Clinton doing with that model?' The devil replied, 'Well, that model did some pretty bad things in her life. '
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Christmas Joke - 1
T'was the Internet Night Before Christmas'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net, There were hacker's a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet. The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care, In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there. The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens, While visions of Java danced in their dreams. My wife on the sofa and me with a snack, We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac). When out in the Web there arose such a clatter, I jumped to the site to see what was the matter. To a new page my Mac flew like a flash, Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!I gasped at the thought and started to grouse, Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse. When what to my wondering eyes should appear, My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear. When the image resolved, so bright and so quick, I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came, Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by name;'Now Compaq! Now Acer!', my speaker did reel;'On Apple! On Gateway!' Santa started to squeal!'Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip!Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!'The screen gave a flicker, he was into my 'Ram', Then into my room rose a full hologram!He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes, Which were black (the white socks he really should lose). He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack. Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack!His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno!This ain't the same Santa that I used to know!With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head, Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread. He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke, And accessed my C drive with only a stroke. He defragged my hard drive, and added a 'Dimm', Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo!He updated Office, Excel and Quicken, Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken!My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape, As he added the latest version of Netscape. The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased, St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased. Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose, Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!He flew back into my screen and through my uplink, Back into the net with barely a blink. But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight, 'Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!'
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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