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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of birthday funny mother speech and other funny jokes |
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Simple Joke
I woke early one morning, The earth lay cool and still When suddenly a tiny bird Perch on my window sill. He sang a song so lovely So carefree and so gay, That slowly all my troubles, Began to slip away. He sang of far off places, Of laughter and of fun, It seemed his very trilling, Brought up the morning sun. I stirred beneath the covers Crept slowly out of bed, And gently lowered the window And crushed his freakin' head!
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Military Joke
There was this General-in-training, and his superioirs were asking him questions 'What happened on June '6
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Ethnic Joke - 1
The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. The used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it. 'When the day came for th e fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. 'When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund leaned up and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog. The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. `We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. ' 'That's nothing', an American replied. 'We had our best plastic surgeons worki ng for five years trying to make an alligator look like a Dachshund. ''
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Old Age Joke
An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building when a young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, 'Romance' by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!'
Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, 'Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!'
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says, 'Broccoli - 49 cents a pound.
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School Joke
The teacher told one of the bad dressers in our class to do something about his shirt tail hanging out.
So he took off his pants.
It's hard to describe the clothing this one classmate of mine wears,
but if you saw it running across your kitchen floor, your father would hit it with a broom
TEACHER: I think you have your shoes on the wrong feet.
PUPIL: No I don't, teacher. These are the only feet I have.
This one kid in our class is really proud of the way he looks.
He invited himself to the Spring Dance.
One kid in our class wears the best of everything.
Even in gym class he has designer sweat.
One girl is very neat.
She gives her clothes away to the needy when they get wrinkled.
One girl in our class is a nut about neatness.
Her blouse got a food stain on it one day at lunch. She took it out and shot it
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Insect Joke
What happened to the man who turned into an insect ? He just beetled off !
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Real Life Joke
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. Phone Won't Stop Ringing? Here's What You Do Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn. , had a serious telephone problem. But unlike most people she did something about it. The brand-new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and had acquired almost the same telephone number as Leola. From the moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls not for her. Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt that she had a case to persuade the motel management to change its number. Naturally, the management refused claiming that it could not change its stationery. The phone company was not helpful, either. A number was a number, and just because a customer was getting someone else's calls 24 hours a day didn't make it responsible. After her pleas fell on deaf ears, Leola decided to take matters into her own hands. At 9 o'clock the phone rang. Someone from Memphis was calling the motel and asked for a room for the following Tuesday. Leoloa said, 'No problem. How many nights?' A few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary wanted a suite with two bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Leola said the Presidential Suite on the 10th floor was available for $600 a night. The secretary said that she would take it and asked if the hotel wanted a deposit. 'No, that won't be necessary, ' Leola said. 'We trust you. ' The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked an electric appliance manufacturers' convention for Memorial Day weekend, a college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne veterans from World War II. She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she could watch her favorite soap opera, but her biggest challenge came in the afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom for her daughter's wedding in June. Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she would be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take care of it. The mother said that she would prefer the hotel to handle the floral arrangements. Then the question of valet parking came up. Once again Leola was helpful. 'There's no charge for valet parking, but we always recommend that the client tips the drivers. ' Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a disaster area. People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and Sweet Sixteen parties and were all told there were no such events. Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper that the motel might go bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an executive from Marriott said, 'We're prepared to offer you $'200
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Kids Puns
Dear Santa: We're worried about you. From your rosy red cheeks to your legendary girth to your all-night sleigh ride around the world, you may be at risk for diseases, maladies, mishaps and lawsuits that send chills through our Santa-loving hearts. The latest warning comes from the National Rosacea Society in Barrington, Ill. Dermatologist Dr. Jerome Litt says you have 'a clear-cut case of rosacea, ' a skin condition that also affects millions of Americans, particularly at middle age. Unable to examine you personally, the good doctor based his finding on a well-circulated report that your 'cheeks were like roses, (your) nose like a cherry. 'Sadly, many observers conclude that red-skin condition comes from hitting the Christmas-punch bowl a little too hard. Sadder still, rosacea can be aggravated by holiday stress, hot chocolate and overexertion -- all things you may encounter this time of year. The one bright note in Litt's message is that certain antibiotics can help, and he advises you to see a North Pole dermatologist. But the news about you facial tint is only our latest source of concern. A careful examination of what we know about you and your lifestyle raises a host of other trouble signs:OBESITY: Frankly, Santa, this may be your biggest area of concern. Studies show overweight men have more than double the normal risk of heart attacks and increased chances of many other diseases. We've seen the pictures; we've noticed you in the malls. And we've heard that your tummy shakes 'like a bowlful of jelly' when you chuckle. On this, we'll take part of the blame. All these years, we've set out milk and cookies on Christmas Eve. With 102 million homes in the U. S. alone, even if 1 in 100 homes put out two cookies and a cup of milk, that would make and overnight snack of 2 million cookies and '63
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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