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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
website. Some jokes however were severely tortured in an effort to make
them funny. |
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of best man toast jokes and other funny jokes |
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Bumper Stickers - 1
Metaphors be with you
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Knock Knock Joke - 2
Knock Knock Who's there ! Athena ! Athena who ? Athena reindeer landing on your roof !
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Computing Joke
You kiss your girlfriend's home page. A VRML virtual walk through a park is your idea of a good date. Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom. Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them. All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28. 8. . . ISDN. . . cable modem. . . T1. . . T3. And even your night dreams are in HTML. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. You start introducing yourself as 'Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before. You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened. You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives. Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like. All of your friends have an @ in their names. When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple. Your dog has its own home page. Your dog's homepage is actually good. You can't call your mother. . . she doesn't have a modem. You check your mail. It says 'no new messages. ' So you check it again. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box. You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL. You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask. Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months. You wake up at 3 a. m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed. You tell the kids they can't use the computer because 'Daddy's got work to do' and you don't even have a job. You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse. Your wife makes a new rule: 'The computer cannot come to bed. ' You get a tatoo that says 'This body best viewed with Netscape 2. 01or higher. ' You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP. . . because you never log off. The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg. You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet. Your wife says communication is important in a marriage. . . so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat. As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the 'back' button.
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Travel Humor
Q: How do you pick up TWA flight attendants?A: With a fishing pole!
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Business Joke
ttle Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling. She explained, 'I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today. ' The first student raised her hand to volunteer. 'Marcy, ' the teacher said. 'You may go first. ' Marcy replied, 'My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny. ' The teacher said, 'Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?' Kevin stood up and announced, 'My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie. ' 'Very good, ' the teacher told Kevin. Jeff was next, and he said, 'My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no. . . ' \r n Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again. Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher. The teacher called on little Johnny to go next. Johnny said, 'My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell 'accountant. '
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April Fools Joke
Toilet TrickHey, this party was on April Fool's Day, so anything goes, right? Anyway, at the party there were two bathrooms. I went to the busiest one and did my usual medicine cabinet snooping and found some Icee Hot behind the mirror. So, on my way out I smeared the toilet seat with a thin layer of gel. After I left, I got a beer but positioned myself so I could see if the next person out reacted. Yeah, baby!The heat hit this chick as she was just leaving. Her eyes popped open and she did a 180 degree turn right back into the bathroom. Good practical joke: priceless.
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Food and Drink Joke
A fat girl went into a cafe and ordered two slices of apple pie with four scoops of ice cream cover with lashings of raspberry sauce and piles of chopped nuts. 'Would you like a cherry on the top ?' asked the waitress. 'No, thanks, ' said the girl, 'I'm on a diet !'
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Insect Joke
What to you call a Russian flea ? A Moscow-ito !
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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