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pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of april fools text jokes and other funny jokes |
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Cow Joke
What did the cow wear to the football game? A Jersey.
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American Joke
There was a very self-sufficient blind man, who did a lot of traveling alone. He was making his first trip to Texas and happened to be seated next to a Texan on the flight.
The Texan spent a lot of time telling him how everything is bigger and better in Texas. By the time the blind man had reached his destination, a large resort hotel, he was very excited about being in Texas.
The long trip had worn him out a little so he decided to stop at the bar for a small soda and a light snack before going up to his room to unpack this clothes.
When the waitress set down his drink, it was in a huge mug. 'Wow, I had heard everything in Texas is bigger,' he told her.
'That's right,'she replied. The blind man ate his snack and finished his drink. After drinking such a large amount, it was only natural his next stop was going to have to be the restroom. He asked the waitress for directions. She told him to turn left at the register and it would be the second door on the right.
He reached the first door and continued down the hall. A few steps later he stumbled slightly and missed the second door altogether and ended up going through the 3rd door instead. Not realizing he had entered the swimming area he walked forward and immediately fell into the swimming pool.
Remembering everything he had heard about things being bigger in Texas, as soon as he had his head above water he started shouting 'Don't flush! Don't flush!'
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Clean Joke
Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you 'like it that way. ' Drum on every available surface. Sing the Batman theme incessantly. Staple papers in the middle of the page. Ask 800 operators for dates. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page. Specify that your drive-through order is 'to go. ' Set alarms for random times. Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon. Honk and wave to strangers. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show. Tape pieces of 'Sweating to the Oldies' over climactic parts of rental movies. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE. only type in lowercase. dont use any punctuation either. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. Pay for your dinner with pennies. Repeat everything someone says, as a question. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: 'Do you hear that?' 'What?' 'Never mind, it's gone now. ' Light road flares on a birthday cake. Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley. Leave tips in Bolivian currency. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks. As much as possible, skip rather than walk. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read. Finish the 99 bottles of beer song. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles. Drive half a block. Name your dog 'Dog. ' Ask people what gender they are. Reply to everything someone says with 'That's what YOU think. ' Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a 'real hoot'. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off 'in case the big one comes'. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as 'Feliz Navidad. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September. Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. Chew on pens that you've borrowed. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance. Wear a LOT of cologne. Ask to 'interface' with someone. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your 'superior mental processing. ' Sing along at the opera. Mow your lawn with scissors. At a golf tournament, chant 'swing-batatatatatata- hWING-batter!' Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about 'psychological profiles. 'Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a 'magic picture'. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times. Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment. Never make eye contact. Never break eye contact. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears. Construct elaborate 'crop circles' in your front lawn. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice. Holler random numbers while someone is counting. Make appointments for the 31st of September. Invite lots of people to other people's parties. Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.
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Mad Joke
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?A stick.
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Redneck Joke
Q: What would Princess Diana be doing right now if she were alive today?A: Scratching on the lid of her casket.
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Bar Joke , beer, booze and fun!
A man walks into a bar and says, 'Bartender, give me two shots. ' Bartender says, 'You want them both now or one at a time?' The guy says, ' Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here, ' and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket. The bartender asks 'He can drink?' 'Oh, sure. He can drink. ' So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up. 'That's amazing' says the bartender. 'What else can he do, can he walk?' The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, 'Hey, Jake. Go get that. ' The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man. The bartender is in total shock. 'That's amazing' he says, 'what else can he do? Does he talk?' The man says 'Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time w e were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's powers!'
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Funniest Joke
One day Bill Clinton was walking down the beach when he found a genie lamp. He rubbed it and a genie came out. He said to Bill 'You have one wish. 'Bill Clinton cried 'But I thought you were supposed to have three wishes!' 'Well you are the most powerful man in the world so I only allow one for you, ' replied the Genie. Bill Clinton thought hard and said 'Bring peace to the middle east. ' He took out a map to show the Genie. The genie said 'Nope. Can't do that choose another wish. ' This next wish came up right away. 'I want the WHOLE world to love Monica Lewinsky as much as I do' The Genie stared at him with a raised an eyebrow. The Genie replied quickly 'Um. . . can I take a look at that map again?'
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Pig Joke
Who do they get for Babe the pig's dangerous movie scenes? A stunt ham.
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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