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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of april fools practical jokes and other funny jokes |
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Love and Marriage Joke
The wedding was over, and the reception was in full swing. Dave an usher, was having a great time with other members of the wedding party. His wife, Betty was not. 'Don't be to mad at Dave, ' a friend told her. 'He did a terrific job. I'd be glad to have him usher at my wedding. ' 'Yeah, ' Betty replied, 'I wish he had been an usher at mine. '
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Animal World
I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they liketo stay out all night, come home and expectto be fed and stroked, then want to be leftalone and sleep. In other words, every qualitythat women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
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Joke Online
Dear Mom and Dad:Since I left for college I have been remiss in writing and I am sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further unless you are sitting down. Okay?Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival here is pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get those sick headaches once a day. Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me in the hospital, and since I have nowhere to live because of the burned-out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it is kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning on getting married. We haven't got the date exactly yet, but it will before my pregnancy begins to show. Yes mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know that you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has a minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. I know that you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind, and, although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your often-expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by that. Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I am not infected and there is no boyfriend in my life. However, I am getting a D in Calculus and F in Chemistry and I want you to see those marks in their proper perspective. Your loving daughter, Susie
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Silliest Joke
Why do psychiatrists give their patients shock treatment?To prepare them for the bill!
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Dumb Joke
'Good Afternnoon, Ridge Hall, computer assistant; may I help you?''Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect. ''What sort of trouble?''Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words wentaway. ''Went away?''They disappeared. ''Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?''Nothing. ''Nothing?''It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type. ''Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?''How do I tell?''Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?''What's a sea-prompt?''Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?''There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type. ''Does your monitor have a power indicator?''What's a monitor?''It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does ithave a little light that tells you when it's on?''I don't know. ''Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the powercord goes into it. Can you see that?'. . . . . . 'Yes, I think so. ''Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged intothe wall. '. . . . . . 'Yes, it is. ''When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?''No. ''Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find theother cable. '. . . . . . 'Okay, here it is. ''Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the backof your computer. ''I can't reach. ''Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?''No. ''Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?''Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it'sdark. ''Dark?''Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming infrom the window. ''Well, turn on the office light then. ''I can't. ''No? Why not?''Because there's a power outage. ''A power. . . A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Doyou still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?''Well, yes, I keep them in the closet. ''Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from. ''Really? Is it that bad?''Yes, I'm afraid it is. ''Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?''Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!'
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Elderly People Joke
Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies. They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
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Kids Puns
A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the female gorilla. So he was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500. He responded that he was interested but would have to think the matter over. The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions: 'First, ' he said, 'I don't want to have to kiss her, ' and 'Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union. 'The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what could be the third?'Well, ' said Mike, 'You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks. '
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Travel and tourist Joke
Joan, who was rather well-proportioned, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. 'Excuse me, miss, ' said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. 'The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday. ' 'What difference does it make?' Joan asked rather calmly. 'No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel. ' 'Not exactly, ' said the embarrassed man. 'You're lying on the dining room skylight. '
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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