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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
website. Some jokes however were severely tortured in an effort to make
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of answering machine voices and other funny jokes |
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Strange Humor
Three young candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy Test. The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell is tied to each man's penis. In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She begins to dance sensually around the first candidate. *Ting-a-ling*'Oh, Patrick, ' says the Monsignor, 'I am so disappointed in your lack of control. Go take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness. ' The candidate leaves. The dancer continues, dancing around the second candidate, slowly peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops:*Ting-a-ling*'Joseph, Joseph, 'sighs the Monsignor. 'You too are unable to withstand your carnal desires. Go take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness. 'The dancer continues, dancing naked in front of the final candidate. Nothing. She writhes up and down against his body. No response. Finally, exhausted, she quits. 'Michael, my son, I am truly proud of you, ' says the Monsignor. 'Only you have the true strength of character needed to become a priest. Now, go and join your weaker brethren in the showers. '*Ting-a-ling*
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Brother and sister Joke
How do you know if your little brother is turning into a fridge ? See if a little light come on whenever he opens his mouth !
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Totally Weird Joke
Pay back time for the ladies!1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers. 2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door. 3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there. 4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone. 5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway. 6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart. 7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable. 8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types. 9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it. 10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. 11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital. 12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions. 13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks. 14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his. 15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
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Funny Famous Joke
Dog Rules. . . 1. The dog is not allowed in the house. 2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms. 3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture. 4. The dog can get on the old furniture only. 5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed. 6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation. 7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers. 8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night. 10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.
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Travel and tourist Joke
Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, 'Hans Olaffsen's Laundry. ' 'Hans Olaffsen?', he muses. 'How in hell does that fit in here?' So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. The tourist asks, 'How did this place get a name like 'Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?'' The old man answers, 'Is name of owner. ' The tourist asks, 'Well, who and where is the owner?' 'Me. . . is right here, ' replies the old man. 'You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?' 'Is simple, ' says the old man. 'Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say, 'Hans Olaffsen. ' Then she look at me and go, 'Wh at your name?'' 'I say Sem Ting. '
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Knock Knock Joke - 2
Knock Knock Who's there ! Benin ! Benin who ? Benin hell!
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Science Joke
Is There a Santa Claus?As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help fromthat renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am pleased topresent the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus. 1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are '300
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Funny Kids Joke
Why did the unwashed chicken cross the road twice?Because he was a dirty double crosser!What do you call a sleeping bull?A bulldozer!What has two legs and flies?A pig!What do you get if you cross a cow with an octopus?A cow that can milk itself!Why did the farmer call his pig 'Ink'?Because he kept running out of the pen!What do you get from an Alaskan cow?Cold cream!What game do cows play at parties?Moosical chairs!Why is it called a 'herd' of cattle?Well, have you 'herd' the sound they make!Why was the lamb told off for being rude?He would not say 'thank ewe' to his mum!
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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