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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of 40th birthday one liners and other funny jokes |
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Random Joke
A baby turtle was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb. About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end. He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch. On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, dead leaves, he shook himself off, walked back to the bottom of the tree and with a sigh started to climb. About an hour later, he again reached the very high branch, walked along, turned, spread his flippers and flung himself off the branch. Again, he landed on the bottom, shook himself off, went to the bottom of the tree, sighed and started climbing. Watching these proceedings from the end of the branch were two little birds. Mummy bird turned to Daddy bird and said, 'Don't you think it's time we told him he was adopted?'
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Sport Joke
The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. 'Your holiness, ' said one of the Cardinals, 'Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match. ' The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life. 'Not to worry, ' said the Cardinal, 'we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres. . . We can't lose!' Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. 'I came in second, your Holiness, ' said Nicklaus. 'Second?!!' exclaimed the surprised Pope. 'You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!' 'No, ' said Nicklaus, 'second to Rabbi Woods. '
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Kids Joke
Little Johnny is in the bathroom taking a pee when the toilet seat falls down on top of his penis. He starts screaming and crying. His mom comes running into the room wondering what's going on. He tells his mother 'Mommy, the toilet seat fell on top of my penis. Kiss it better. ''Johnny you are getting more and more like your father everyday. 'His mother says.
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Hair and bald Joke
A guy walks in to the Barbershop. Barber says, 'What will it be today?' Guy says, 'well I want it going with my waves on top, faded on one side, plug the other, and just make it all out of shape and messed up. ' Barber says, 'Now why in the world do you want your hair cut like that. ' Guy says, 'That's how you cut it last time'
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Funny Famous Joke
Tired of boring old dog name like Ruff, Spot, Lassie, etc?The next time you get a dog, name it: MypenisWhy, you ask? Well just look at some of the great excuses you can use for school, work, and general conversation!-I did do my homework but Mypenis ate it!-Oh no, Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!-Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis. -I'm sorry officer, I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash. -Mypenis doesn't come when I call it. -Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests. -If Mypenis begs at the dinner table, I just tell it to LAY DOWN!-I love giving Mypenis a bath, but Mypenis doesn't like cold water. -At night, I like to snuggle with Mypenis. -Mypenis likes it when people pet him. -Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds!-Playing with Mypenis really wears me out. -Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?-Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active. -I think Mypenis has a mind of its own. -I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet. -Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction. -I think Mypenis is getting old because he won't get excited anymore. He just plays dead. -Mypenis got out last night. I think he's sleeping with the lady next door. -HELP! Mypenis is lost. . . can you help me find him?-Sorry to be driving slow officer, but I was looking for Mypenis. -Sorry to be driving so fast, officer. I have to take Mypenis to the hospital. -Mypenis got fleas from the neighbors dog. -Anytime Mypenis gets too excited, I just scratch him behind the head. -Please do not feed Mypenis table scraps!-Do you think you could feed Mypenis while I'm on vacation?-I have a cat that plays very well with Mypenis. -When I take Mypenis for a ride in the car, I roll down the window so it can hang it's head out.
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Bumper Stickers - 7
The meek will Internet the world.
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Weird Facts
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.
Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
The longest word in the English language is 1909 letters long and it refers to a distinct part of DNA.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
The name for Oz in the 'Wizard of Oz' was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N and O-Z, hence 'Oz. '
The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.
The sentence 'the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog' uses every letter in the English language.
The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.
The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE.
The word 'lethologica' describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.
The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.
There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
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Animal World
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree ? - Because it was dead. Why did the baby fall out of the tree ? - Because it was stapled to the monkey.
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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